When I’m not taking my medication I hear shit in my head, I can’t remember if it was all the time necessarily but I would just get these ruminating thoughts that I could almost hear it was like not hearing them but also they’re there and “present” enough in the “front” that essentially made them impossible to ignore
and it would sometimes just be really overwhelming or other times like repeating rumination going in a circle
and…. It’s particularly clear upon waking up like I will faintly hear distinct voices that belong to someone but it’s in that state between waking and sleeping so I rarely can remember it
sometimes it is music and not people which is I call it “Spotify brain” very similar to Radiohead, who has schizophrenia so. It’s not that but I believe it’s actually OCD?
When I take my meds I don’t have Spotify brain nearly as much,… and the uh, ruminating thoughts would help me write better music or poetry and be super artistic about things… hard to explain what I mean or why that is…. It’s a lot
changing topics to ocd now…
in regard to OCD. Which I believe I had life long? Some version of it anyway or something I don’t know,…
…. as an adult at this age I’ve come to realize that like a lot of the stuff that I thought mattered in a crazy amount of detail and crazy amount of anxiousness and perfectionism behind I realize now that most people not only don’t ever think about hardly at all, but also it doesn’t bother them to the same degree what so ever.
Is it just Neuroticism? I don’t know. But I’m…. Seeing how like, too much intensity and, perfectionism would be put into things and this goes very deep psychology wise like “why I got to be this way” in the first place but… we don’t get into that. I’m aware it could be, a bit developmental as well as, you know some nature some nurture.
But I’m just saying…. Yeah I realize…. I can be a little abnormal in this area like in regard to perfectionism and just wasting way too much worry and thought and time into things being exactly a certain way … it’s a lot of control, too. A lot of anxiety and stress. About things other people like didn’t have going on in their head at all lol
And then that gets into the territory of talking about crippling perfectionism which they have a name for now apparently but I forgot what it is, but it’s a thing. So that, yeah.
complete and total Self awareness would be nice but unfortunately it’s like something that you have to… earn lol for whatever reason
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a really basic example of the “bothered by stuff that other people aren’t” thing is like mess, disarray, disorderly-ness, and something genuinely being dirty like actually bothers me to the point that I will spend too much time dedicated to making sure it’s all fucking not messy anymore and nothing is dirty. And it’s very detail oriented too. I can ignore it to a certain extent but, it takes like physical energy for me sometimes or it makes me genuinely uncomfortable to sit in a room that I find to be dirty. Lmao
And I didn’t realize that other people weren’t bothered in this same way by mess and dirtiness, like they just sort of, it doesn’t phase them and they can ignore it no problem pretty much, obviously unless it’s really bad.
I don’t know,…. So basically I find a lot of places, people, and things to be “gross” or “dirty” or “inefficient” “disorganized” and like see ways it could be made better
And obviously as you can imagine that’s an exhausting way to be.
Like at work I’m sure other people see me doing it but I clean just a little “harder” and in more detail than other people, I keep spaces organized a little too well, or it takes some self restraint not to fix the can that’s facing the wrong way in the grocery store for looking like a weirdo…
It’s an area I didn’t realize had sort of gone unchecked for a while, and like that I struggle with like… without my medication I may find “mess” very overwhelming some days. And spend an entire day just getting rid of it I don’t care what it takes I just want it gone.
People close to me make fun of it, but I don’t think they realize it’s like, an actual disorder and it’s not really that funny. I have a lot of shake around this area too so I never opened up about it before to anyone, I’m aware not many people can relate and just either wouldn’t understand or would think I’m weird so I just keep it to myself and hide the fact I have this going on as best I can
medication has helped a lot to tone it down some. But yeah, I think it’s probably still obvious if you spend a lot of time around me you’ll see me like straightening and cleaning things a little too thoroughly or like someone had to explain to me look… you’re taking too long to do the dishes it shouldn’t take that long lol
but I can just be overly thorough to the point that like, it’s not good. For me. It affects everything not just cleaning, this “thoroughness” and being detail oriented. And then couple that with a lack of attention,… it can be really distracting and difficult to ignore.
It’s not woe is me but it’s just something I realize isn’t there for a lot of people that I have going on and have had going on for a very long time, and I didn’t realize it was an extra weight I was carrying, if that makes sense
