Sorry to hear that.
It is what it is. I have been crying for three days though. I have such beautiful memories of the baby and the pregnancy. I loved that baby with my everything. I would have done anything in the world for baby charlie.
Yesterday I was drunk all day. Today, I went and got plants to plant at the baby shrine we made in the baby cave br found. It's a small cave just big enough for a small box and we put the box in there and had the bix decorated and nice with orchids. I gathered plants and covered the hole and planted plants all around our baby shrine for charlie. I went and told my pregnant friend what we were doing and what had happened and asked her if she had flowers in her shop. She told me she does and she actually gave me some free chamomile for the garden and free marigolds. We planted them in the garden with the heather ect. I planted a pineapple and various other types of bromeliads.
I don't know why but seeing my friends pregnant belly made me sad.
I should be happy for my friend. Maybe I'm being a bad friend. Why should I feel sad when someone has a good thing happen? Especially a nice person like she is. I'm confused I don't understand. I'm angry at myself. I know I'm angry at myself because I keep saying to myself "stupid me. Stupid dumb me." But She gave me flowers that was nice of her. I shouldn't be sad. I know I was sad because I cried about it after.
Why am I so stupid? Lol
I hate it when people say you can just have another because that's my kid. Like imagine losing someone and that being the response in any other context. "Oh FUCK my husband died!" "It's okay you can just have another"
Like no, you don't fucking get it because there is NEVER going to be another charlie. Just like there isn't ever going to be another Phyllis.
Because when I was pregnant with Charlie guess what even when I thought I was going to give birth to this baby I was STILL MISSING PHYLLIS
Every baby is special and has a unique soul. Every baby is unique. Whatever genetic code Phyllis and Charlie had, no one will ever have their genetic code because that is completely their own. The memories I have with them while carrying them, those exact instances will never be 100% replicated. Human life is so precious and matters so much that even though my children were never born, they were my children and it isn't just me who loves them but also God and their daddy, my husband.
Well today I went back to the baby garden. I planted some new flowers and I saw a lizard running around there. I put gemstones in the garden and shards of broken glass I found on the ground nearby to make the border prettier. I also put my seashell collection in the garden.
And I watered and weeded it.
Yesterday when I went to the baby charlie garden I saw a pheasant watching me, but I stepped on a twig and he flew away. He had pretty colors.
