Sociopath Community

nvcpractitioner said: 

these langyages were given to us by the 1 percent/ royality and so on to keep the rest of the masses slavelike to an extent

Okay, what? 

Who is the founder of violent communication then? Can it be traced back? 

I am requesting that you allow for there to be explanation for why- 

I am requesting that too. 

It sounds like you're dabbling into concepts like Master-Slave Morality. 

the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. (blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses)

So... are you claiming that people before the 1% invented it just didn't judge eachother? 

ideas about rightness and wrongness that classify and dichotomize people and their actions. (splitting) (good, bad, normal, abnormal, responsible, irresponsible, smart, ignorant, etc)

This seems more like discernment, did people not discern things? 

focusing our attention on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.

Most people do not have the full patience needed to educate someone, or to become educated. 

Even with more constructive communication you are eventually going to hit a wall where both people are on very different pages, and explaining "What They Are Not Getting" will come across largely the same way, especially if trying to explain things they already understand but still do not believe. 

making comparisons

denial of responsibility for our actions by attributing their cause to factors outside ourselves (the phrases/ expressions "have to" and "makes me feel", vague, impersonal forces, our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history, the actions of others, the dictates of authority, group pressure, Institutional policies, rules, and regulations, gender roles, social roles, or age roles, and uncontrollable impulses)

In your case though you show abnormal styles of splitting and recombining, like when you've gone through cycles of self-blame over world events. 

It makes sense to see which is and isn't our responsibility, to define where that line is. 

the concept that certain actions merit reward while others merit punishment (the word "deserve")

...sooo what's the plan then, to not reward people? 

misidentifying and misexpressing feelings-

using the words "I feel", when using the words "I think" would be more accurate

What's the difference between the two really? Both are about what's on their minds. 

not taking responsibility for our feelings-

attributing responsibility for our feelings solely to another person’s action or behavior


use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that (“It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.”, “That bugs me a lot.”) the use of the expression “I feel _______, because … ” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I (“I feel hurt because you said you don’t love me.”, “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.”) statements that mention only the actions of others (“When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.”, “Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.”)

This still sounds kind of aggressive at points imo. 

Nonviolent Communication syntax notes

why use nonviolent communication? because the nvc alternative influences compassionate dialogue, because the nvc alternative establishes relationships based on honesty and empathy that inspires a mutual desire to give from the heart

why use value judgments? because value judgments influence compassion and keep our attention focused on our own values, feelings and needs and on other people's feelings and needs

why avoid using moralistic judgments? because moralistic judgments are life-alienating and contribute to our behaving violently toward each other and ourselves

nonviolent communication- avoid labeling yourself and your own behavior, and other people and other people's behavior- as right/wrong, good/bad, intelligent/ignorant, normal/abnormal, should/should not, punishment/reward, acceptance/rejection, "deserves"/"does not deserve", responsible/irresponsible and so on, comparisons, "have to", "made/makes me", "forced me to"

and as an alternative that you could choose, focus on yourself and other people possibly having different values and different strategies and different unmet needs, and let your own self and your own behavior just **be**, without trying to force yourself to change, only to try new and different strategies to responding to your feelings that are caused by met needs and unmet needs


why use observations without evaluations mixed in? because observing specific to time and context influences understanding and willingness to resolve conflicts

why avoid using observations with evaluations mixed in? because when we combine observation (this is what happened/is happening) with evaluation (this is why it happened/is happening), we decrease the likelihood that other people will hear are intended message, and instead, they are apt to hear criticism and thus resist what we are saying

observations- express your observations, and avoid **mixing them into what you think about who you are, or what you think other people are doing around you, or how you think other people are behaving**, and by accurately observing specific to time and context.

example phrasing: "person b did or did not do this specific action (if adding specific context- at this specific location and during this specific event) (if adding specific timing- at this specific time of the day, this many times a week, every month).", "at this specific time of the day and at this specific location and during this specific event, person b did or did not do this specific action."


why identify and express feelings? because allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings influences connecting more easily with one another and can help resolve conflicts

why avoid misidentifying and misexpressing feelings? because when we combine observation (this is what happened/is happening) with evaluation (this is why it happened/is happening), we decrease the likelihood that other people will hear are intended message, and instead, they are apt to hear criticism and thus resist what we are saying

identifying and expressing feelings- express your feelings, and avoid **mixing them into what you think about who you are, or what you think other people are doing around you, or how you think other people are behaving, or about circumstances and life events,** and by accurately identifying your feelings.

example phrasing: "I feel (emotion) that you/when you/about what you (specific action)."


why acknowledge responsibility for your feelings? because taking responsibility for our feelings influences connecting our feelings to our own needs, and helps us to understand what we are doing to generate our own feelings, and helps other people to respond more compassionately

why avoid not acknowledging responsibility for your feelings? because misexpressing and misidentifying our feelings blocks connection

acknowledging responsibility for your feelings- acknowledge responsibility for your feelings and that your feelings are caused by your met and unmet needs, and identify your desires, and avoid accusing circumstances, situations, other people, or other people's behaviors as "the problem" and the cause of your feelings, instead of acknowledging that those are an influence, and not the cause of your feelings

example phrasing: "I feel (emotion) when/that you (specific action), because I was hoping/would have liked/am wanting/was needing (desire and context)."

why request for specific actions without attempting to force or demand? because expressing what we would like to request of other people in order to enrich life for us inspires our needs to be fulfilled by asking other people for actions that might fulfill our needs

why avoid requesting for confusing actions and trying to force or demand people to comply? because when requests of what we **are not** requesting are worded in the negative, people are often confused as to what is actually being requested, and furthermore, negative requests are likely to provoke resistance (influencing confusion and resistance), because requests are received as demands when listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply

requesting- avoid requesting stating too general vague worded desires, and negatively worded requests such as "stop", "not", "don't", and use positive action language requesting clear specific actions from the other person

example phrasing: example phrasing- "I'd like you to/I want you to (specific action that would contribute to the fulfilling of my needs)."


why respond empathically? because empathy is a respectful understanding of what other people are experiencing, and we give to other people the time and space they need to express themselves fully and be understood

why avoid responding in other ways without using empathy? because giving advice or reassurance and to explain our own position and feeling is not the same as empathy- empathy includes emptying our minds and listening to other people with our whole being, empathy requires us to focus full attention on the other person's message

responding empathically- avoid giving reassurance, attempting to educate, disagreeing and defending, taking responsibility for the other person's feelings, receiving only thoughts rather than the feelings and needs being expressed, giving advice, assuming you understand and talking about your own feelings, and explaining, and focus your attention on responding empathically to what is going on with the other person

example phrasing: example phrasing- "Are you feeling (emotion), because (situation having to do with a desire being fulfilled/ a desire being unfulfilled)?", So you're feeling (emotion), because (situation having to do with a desire being fulfilled/ a desire being unfulfilled)?"

some quotes from the nonviolent communication book


"Our challenge then, when we are doing something that is not enriching life, **is to evaluate ourselves moment by moment in a way that inspires change both (1) in the direction of where we would like to go, and (2) out of respect and compassion for ourselves,** **rather than out of self-hatred, guilt or shame.**"


"**to train our minds to think purely in terms of what we need and value from moment to moment. However, just as we have learned to translate judgments when conversing with others, we can train ourselves to recognize judgmental self-talk and to immediately focus our attention on the underlying needs.**"


"A woman studying NVC was suffering a profound bout of depression. She was asked to identify the voices within her when she felt the most depressed and to write them down in dialogue form as though they were speaking to each other. These were the first two lines of her dialogue:

Voice 1 (“career woman”): I should do something more with my life. I’m wasting my education and talents.

Voice 2 (“responsible mother”): You’re being unrealistic. You’re a mother of two children and can’t handle that responsibility, so how can you handle anything else?

Notice how these inner messages are infested with judgmental terms and phrases such as should, wasting my education and talents, and can’t handle. Variations of this dialogue had been running in this woman’s head for months.

**She was asked to imagine the “career woman” voice taking an “NVC pill” in order to restate its message in the following form: “When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d.”**

She subsequently translated “I should do something with my life. I’m wasting my education and talents” into: “When I spend as much time at home with the children as I do without practicing my profession, I feel depressed and discouraged because I am needing the fulfillment I once had in my profession. **Therefore, I now would like to find part-time work in my profession.”**

Then it was the turn of her “responsible mother” voice to undergo the same process of translation. These lines, “You’re being unrealistic. You’re a mother of two children and can’t handle that responsibility, so how can you handle anything else?” were transformed into: “When I imagine going to work, I feel scared because I’m needing reassurance that the children will be well taken care of. **Therefore, I now would like to plan how to provide high-quality child care while I work and how to find sufficient time to be with the children when I am not tired.”**

This woman felt great relief as soon as she translated her inner messages into NVC. She was able to get beneath the alienating messages she was repeating to herself and offer herself empathy. Although she still faced practical challenges, such as securing quality child care and her husband’s support, she was no longer subject to the judgmental internal dialogue that kept her from being aware of her own needs."

 

 

avoid moralistically judgmental analyses of people because those are actually expressions of our own needs (and unmet needs) and values,  avoid labeling people other than their names and preferred pronouns  (and usernames in the case of this forum), classifying, judging, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness  (right/wrong,  good/bad and so on) of other people because that promotes violence,  avoid making comparisons between ourselves and other people because it is unnecessary and leads to misery,  avoid not acknowledging responsibility for our own feelings and that our feelings are caused by our needs and unmet needs,  avoid communicating our desires as demands (explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply,  the word "should"),  avoid using the concept that certain actions merit reward while other actions merit punishment  (the word "deserve")

^ This is all super important to me  🤍🕊