Saturday 4th March 2023
I'm hot. The pedestal fan is on full pelt beside the bed to try and compensate for my higher than usual body temperature, but it's a loose loose situation. The wind in my face makes me feel like I'm drowning in the air (suffocating I suppose), and being dried out like a sponge. Either way I'm uncomfortable.
My nose is completely blocked. I'd been using nasal decongestant too frequently and now the pressure in my sinuses is immense and all but blocking my ears too, rebound congestion is a bitch.
I'm breathing in the dry air through my chapped lips and wondering how sleep can take me like this.
I can feel a tickle in the back of my through but swallowing doesn't quite touch it, like it's too high up. It's infuriating and getting worse by the sentence.
I just stuck my finger in my nose to see if I could reach it that way, I've always had small fingers, and large, proud, protruding nostrils. Maybe if I just wiggle a couple of digits in there then I can find some relief.
I start with the index and slowly work it in and out until it's well lubricated with snot, drippy wet snot running down to my wrist. I add my middle finger and pump them together working slowly deeper until they're fully enveloped... And... There!
I can feel it! Something hard and alien inside my scent canal. I try to grip it with the tips of my fingers but it's slippery and takes me several attempts to get a firm enough hold and start pulling.
The sensation is like taking a massive, hard, dense shit out of my nose, like giving birth. And as first comes the hat, the head and then the rest of the body, it turns out giving birth is exactly what I'm doing! To a fully formed, fully clothed leprechaun.
In shock I drop him but he nimbly catches himself and lands with grace before me, my sheets and clothes are covered with mucus and there he stands in the middle of the puddle like this is as normal as your aunt popping round for tea at 11am on a Saturday.
With one elegant movement he removes his hat and bows low, I can do nothing but blink back at him in awe. Then, with a spin and click of his fingers he vanishes into the night, I let out a shy butt toot of shock and for a moment bright colours are hurled around the room.
I think I just farted a rainbow, maybe I'll poop gold later.
