Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23129659-adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents
so my therapist assigned me to read this book.
I realize more and more as time passes, all the things that were missing or the ways in which I was wronged as a child. But its how I react to that now, with the skills from this book that sort of makes that what it is.
I’m most likely not fighting myself as much as I am tussling with ‘their voice’ vs. mine. And the feeling of white knuckling fades when I stop trying to hold all this heavy stuff perfectly into place, all the time, thats just too much for one person to carry.
What matters at the end of the day Is what is right for me. In the present. And I denied myself of that for a very long time, trying to play that role, more, and more, and more.
Until one day, I literally took out my closest friend to lunch and we update each other with all our “shit” and I mentioned at one point, how I felt I had reached I point ‘I just couldn’t do it anymore.’ Not in the sense of not wanting to live. But in the sense of keeping up the act within my circumstances.
I thought that my circumstances had to change, in order that I could be free. But the door was open the whole time.
And thats very symbolic, considering. During a particularly bad time where I was abused. I dissociated from the event completely, and walked into a dark room in my mind, and was cut off from external awareness or feeling of what was happening to me. And I felt like, in life, that perhaps, that day that I walked into that room in my head- I became locked in there, and I didn’t know how to let it back out. And what existed on the outside, from then on, was a detached shell from the internal self.
The internal self which was trapped in that room, began to reach out though, and started finding ways to free itself by signaling and pulling strings in my body to make me go in the direction I needed to go, in order to finally shine a light into that dark room, and allow internal me, to find the door and walk out of it.
Its wonderful to know that the self I thought was lost forever due to trauma was there all along, even when I was farthest from it and felt my most vacant, and detached.
Its great to feel her presence and to know that I am me again. Not somebody else.
i know i’m really getting somewhere because i feel these areas which felt like ‘forever tangles’ that i had to just accept sucked, they could actually release and no longer keep me tied up or feel that knot anymore, in. my mental pathways. things that always confused me, or tripped me up mentally that i just couldn’t understand or seem to get past. that felt like big core areas falling down. like pillars that were supporting my illness, dismantling 1 by 1.
it started with the area of the depression i felt in my apartment, and then it goes all the way back to one of my core issues with identity and inner most trauma; the first trauma which i chose to address in EMDR.
for the full post: https://www.tumblr.com/maryelizagreg/703487855182364672/dec-12-2022-sorry-this-is-scattered-its-just-my?source=share
I realize more and more as time passes, all the things that were missing or the ways in which I was wronged as a child. But its how I react to that now, with the skills from this book that sort of makes that what it is.
Your patents never instilled the fear of consequence in you, just like how CS allows her child to dig her nails into her skin without any backlash.
The child is then lead astray by the parent.
From the sound of it you were punished for the wrong reasons, or no reason at all, so you're fucked up.
Either way, poor discipline.
