there is soo much about my mind and about my life that I do not feel in control of,  and there are soo many mistakes that I made in my past that I wish that I could have understood how to do differently and in a better way so that those decisions did not haunt me now in the present

 

but I am having to surrender to what is,  and that I cannot change the past,  and that my fate is going to be what it is now with my intentions to practice self-love and self-care to the best of my ability so that I can attempt to be at my best for myself and for other people

 

I did the best that I could to manage the chaos in my mind that I felt and still feel soo very out of control of and if it was not enough to be my own personal savior and I failed at overcoming my mental disorders or at least not letting my mental disorders destroy my life-  well I am not alone and many other people's minds and lives have been taken over by their mental disorders and they lost control of their minds and lives just like I feel like I am losing control over mine

 

but I am going to keep trying and keep seeking help because I mean what else is there to do really,  I do not want to just sit around alone in suffering and Inner torment that is not much of a life and I do not really want to be dead or I would have killed myself by now  (still trying to find a relatively quick and painless method honestly-  and if euthanasia was legal in the untied states I probably would not be alive anymore)  soo I am going to keep trying