I subconsciously knew that trying to make new friends while I was angry enough to feel both suicidal and homicidal even though I have never physically hurt anyone in my life or suicide attempted was not going to go well for anyone involved, soo I left hollywood consciously, I went into a manic psychosis that forced me to work through religious trauma as well as trauma from my upbringing that had been fueling that suicidal/homicidal vengeful anger that was building in intensity until it all finally came to the surface, came to my consciousness and I was able to face it all with unconditional love and forgiveness and compassion and heal from it
and It's not like I am 100 percent perfect all healed all better now, but I am not suicidal or homicidal and I am not having the schizophrenic psychotic type thinking anymore, other than just enough "delusion" to attempt to manifest my goals (It is common knowledge that "delusion" does assist in manifesting, so I think that being somewhat delusional as long as there is a purpose for it is not like super unhealthy, but ik that some people would prefer that I had no goals or aspirations and never attempted pursuing any of them at all)
