Since I was a kid, I've always had a lot of trouble at school and with people. I was diagnosed with tourette's syndrome and a learning disability and later dyslexia. I was bullied when I was a kid and mostly mental illnesses were stigmatized. I was offered to go to special class and have extra time for my exams, but I refused all of that, because I was so afraid of being labelled as something dysfunctional.
I used to think it's social anxiety. I always struggle to find the right things to say.
However, as of late, I've had some time to think about my inability to connect with anyone. I think I might be autistic. I try so hard to understand people, but I fucking can't, and it's so frustrating. I feel so inadequate. No matter how much I try, I just can't get it. Others make it look so easy. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's like I just want a manual to tell me how people work.
I just feel like if I was autistic, it'd be so final, it'd be like I just gave up and admitted I could never be like a normal person. I've tried for so many years to connect with people. Every time, I'm so afraid I'll say something wrong, and things go to shit, and then they do. I've looked down on autistic people, in my mind, all my life, and so I can feel my eyes at my own back, looking down on me.
I don't know. I'm feeling like crap rn. Maybe I deserve it. God made me autistic to teach me a lesson.