1: i stopped drinking, then i stopped smoking weed, then i stopped all other drugs then i quit sugar, and then coffee, then i quit benzo's
2: i started exercising, i started meditating, stretching, reading, validating myself and others, and setting boundaries (some of which in the form of the above)
it's a lot of work and a lot of effort for a lot of stopping and doing, much of which brings me enjoyment but at times it overwhelms me and i feel trapped, more than i have before, and that's when i eat a cookie, then i drink a coffee with it, then i pop diazepam on a stressful day, then i have a drink in the evening because the diazepam will offset the chronic insomnia which alcohol makes me have, then i crave a fat J and suddenly the only constant is the exercise and i hate myself and haven't meditated or stretched my old man body for weeks.
it can be over in an instant and i hate it. i just want to drive away far away and go so far.
anyways it's 3 past 8 oh boyeee don't want to be late now do i? gotta make SOME CALLS. MAKE SOME FUCKING. CALLS. HELLO SIR HAVE COULD YOU SEND OVER tHRE ANSWERS TO THE QUEQTIONS I SENT YOU PLEASE OR DO YOU PREFER GOING OVER THEM IN A CALL? OKAY LETS FUCKING SCHEDULE A FUCKIGN CCALL YOU STUPID CORPORATE CANCEROUS NIGGER FUCK.