Actually, no. I suffer from cognitive dissonance...
As you all know well about my history, I started off as a poor peasant, and after years of hard work became highly successful in several areas of life, including but not limited to sex life, education, sports, and wealth.
Yet, behind all that bragging and brave front is a hopelessly confused.... person.
I find myself inhabiting conflicting values and moral systems... These values, they fight with one another endlessly.
On the one hand, I hate people who look down on others. On the other hand, I look down on everyone. On the third hard, I don't really look down on everyone. But I kind of do.
I find myself being.... a hypocrite. That's the right word, isn't it? A hypocrite. Someone who puts up a front to appear virtuous... or religious.. but ultimately doesn't follow through with their beliefs when it matters.
This latest soul-searching was brought about by my recent move, yet again, to a different country. I will need to choose an apartment once I go there, and as it so happens this brought about a value-dilemma for me. On the one hand, I've been telling myself, and others, that wealth means nothing. No. Not nothing. Wealth isn't something that should be used to evaluate character. People should be judged by the strength of their character, rather than what country they were born in or their socioeconomical status. All my life, I've thought that.... This was my value, something that I fondly and truly believed in.
Yet.... Now I'm faced with a choice. I need to choose a neighborhood for myself to live in. I'm.. Quite well-off. I used to think it didn't matter, and I looked down on people who splurged and showed off their status. However, should I now choose.... a quiet middle-class family neighborhood, or should I live in the ultra-rich area where there'll be maids to help me and limousine drivers to pick me up with no additional expenses (part of the packaged deal), with most neighbors being millionaires? Now you think I'm being superficial or ridiculous here, but I'm quite seriously thinking about this problem...
I feel like if I chose the latter, I would be betraying my belief system. I'd be doing those things I despised. Furthermore, I'm painfully aware of the fact that I would be..... in the company of people who are even wealthier than me. I see it as an opportunity to go up... Even further. It's a very strong reason for me to consider that option. I remember laughing at some piss-poor people from the farm for trying to appear better or wealthier. Yet.... I can see how being the company of someone with more wealth would be beneficial to myself. Once I'm aware of it, I can't make myself unaware of it....
I'm horribly afraid of becoming "stale." Being stuck where I am... Without advancing further. If there's anything in life I'm afraid of, it's..... Not pushing forward. Yet, I always thought that what I pushed towards was higher ideals, and money was just a toy for me. I've been throwing it around like I want to. I never gave a shit about money. Or wealthy people. Or so I thought, until now. If I choose to live in a middle-class neighborhood... Well, an average of 5 of your friends is you. I'm afraid they would pull me down. In a sense, I'm saying.... Their socioeconomic status does determine what they have to offer. And this would seemingly mean that people who are even wealthier than me, I should respect them more than piss-poor people.
My choices were so much simpler when I decided that God was my judge. If God decides, I know what I should do. But I'm afraid.... I am not sure if I believe in a God anymore.
I'm not really sure what to make of all this. I'm confused. I feel like my values are being grinded away every day, and every day I'm a little less... me.
