Sociopath Community

@15:02 this was the song that my brain found so magical lol ✨ 

now that I’m not in that mental state, it just sounds normal and doesn’t have the same effect as before 

it was like ultra enhanced, the experience. Very weird lol 

Blanc said: 

nightmare last night: 

dreamt that i was supposed to go on stage and do a dance, i didn't know the choreography and my feet were really slippery so i couldn't stop like spinning and sliding around LOL. and i was wearing this big, bell shaped skirt with a wire frame and silky fabric to make it even more comedic. i think i was supposed to be in cinderella or something. like, a live action, ballet, of cinderella. 

so i was sort of clunky and awkward copying the movements of people and trying to help the show go on, because i was thrown into the role at the very last second before the music started going and everyone ran on stage and the ballet began. trying to get a grasp on my footing as i slid around a bit out of bounds or losing my balance. 

So this might be about social anxiety, and the seemingly ridiculous pressures of the role you must play in it (hence the outfit that is like a botched version of a Disney princess, the "perfect" human being. It could also play into the societal pressures of femininity. Ballet is a delicate, and feminine dance, where you in a way must tiptoe to be perfect, and essentially dance for higher society. Your struggles to gain footing could show a lack of confidence or a difficulty in gaining footing when it comes to your roles in society, especially feminine. You feel the delicate dance of society is to much to be expected of you. 

 everyone running on stage shows that this isn't your show alone. The beginning with you is self differentiation but everyone around you is almost like a disassociation where you lose yourself in the crowd, becoming a dancer in the sea of the dance around you.

then, afterward i went to a movie set to film. i was thrown into the scene and they began filming, and the scene unfortunately was a zombie apocalypse. and it was, quite realistic, to the point i became very afraid and thought that it was real, chaos ensued, even the director and the PA's of the film staff were being attacked. it was a genuine zombie apocalypse. one zombie got their sights on me and started coming for me and i ran into another room and all the way to a mirror where i was backed into it as the thing came launching at me with sharp teeth and blood dripping from his mouth- in the background everyone was being torn to pieces and you heard sharp screams and te sound of wooden and glass things breaking and snapping, metal furniture clanging aginst the floor, and of course zombies growling and snarling. and as i backed up into the mirror on the wall, i had my chin tucked into my neck and my head turned to the side knowing it was coming for me

So this could be symbolic for your fear that society, the society you dance your delicate dance in, will essentially consume you, and they are monsters, predators, but as zombies they themselves have lost their humanity as well, and their loss of individuality, their zombification, and loss of their own lives, is the very infection that makes them chase you: so that you in a sense will lose your own life, being consumed into the masses, but also being infected as well, not just eaten, and you yourself will become one of them. A zombie.

bracing for it and was quite, nervous sounding and saying out loud, "its just a film, its just a film, its just a film" as i was semi lucid semi not, and a part of me remembered, somewhere inside that this was something i had control over if i tried hard enough.  

This can be lucidity but it can also serve as symbolism for how the rules of society and society itself is only an illusion made by man, "just a dream" and knowing that realizing this can be the very escape from your date of consumption and assimilation.

 

 Zombie its claws around me and leaned into my face i could feel its hot sticky breath on me as it growled and the blood dripped from its chin and i finally blacked out. and then the film reset to the beginning again like we were filming a new scene. and then i was trying to escape, i really don't know it gets foggy at this point what i can remember. but i was relieved that it wasn't real....       

 

 

Disassociation once you are caught as you have met your date and are no longer feeling like yourself.

 

 

and so i was climbing on some furniture that was precariously balanced over like a balcony edge trying to escape... like i was using a table top to balance on to get across this tiny ledge, and it nearly tipped and let me fall off but i scuddled to the other side to balance it and then hopped off the table... i don't really know what was going on at this point all i know is i was trying to escape, i think i had figured out it was a dream or like, i was in one and that i could go anywhere i wanted and leave this, portion of the dream (which i've done before like, to control dreams or get out of situations) but i was having difficulty just dissociating out of this dream and onto the next, i think i was going to climb through a door or a window or something to get onto the next...          

Its interesting that as you try to escape the building you are trapped in, you tried to escape through disassociation, which suggests your disassociation could be a defense mechanism or an escape.

and then when i woke up, i was in my bed, in my bedroom in actual reality as it were in real time. i thought the dream was over, but turns out it wasn't. i felt delusionally paranoid that i couldn't trust anyone that they were not who they said they were. 

Yes because you see people as predators who want to make you lose yourself and so you have a lack of trust in others.

 

  i was having a lot of anxiety, as i laid in the bed still half unconscious, and knew i wanted to get help for the panic, but didn't know who i could go to that i trusted, because for some bizarre reason, i just couldn't be certain anyone was 'really who they sayd they were'

Because you understand that people are not who they present themselves to be, they are all behind a societal mask and this unknown aspect of all humans- and maybe even yourself (even more)- scares you.

 and then some people came into my room where i was laying and i couldn't move i was so disoriented and blurry vision etc, and numb feeling. sedated. i just didn't have the ability to like, quite get the words out or move or run, there was no fear at what i was seeing because i was too disoriented to notice the fear. if that makes any sense. just in a very very sedated state. like sleep paralysis. and, yeah the two people were wearing some sort of strange lab personnel looking outfit like you see in the covid-wards, and one of them was observing the other, as they took a needle out of a case and stuck it inbetween my toes. and then they packed up their case and left very quickly. all in all took about 1-2 seconds. and then i knocked out.  

I could not read this part. I am sorry

Half of what I wrote is gone and I have to rewrite it

this morning:

(and then i woke up in reality realizing all of that was a dream but i still felt quite anxious for several hours.

its hard to explain what it feels like but, there are many types of anxiety and sometimes i experience a dissociative anxiety episode which is very difficult to describe. but this is what this was this morning that i was experiencing and though i can't describe it, it is very scary, very psychotic, and difficult to control. its difficult to control your thoughts, which contribute to worsening it, so its better just to not focus on your thoughts, what you are experiencing, thinking or feeling at all, and just completely shut it down by focusong intently on something else. )

Because you feel the need to distract yourself from facing the fact that your outer self and inner self have such a blurred line, leading to a confusion about both. This unknown being so close to yourself- so close to what should be familiar, leaves you feeling lost and confused, almost floating in void- so you distract yourself from that by focusing on someone else, and reflect upon them instead, because even though you are afraid of others, they are not as terrifying as the gaping void you see in yourself due to a lack of understanding, in in this time the focus on them is a comfort.

(works to make it stop is trying to ground by any means possible, focusing your breathing techniques, and fiddling with something physically, like for me i used a necklace that was on my neck at the time. i also turned on a video which had good music in it, and made me think about stranger things. and while i fiddled with my necklace i also sort of was talking myself down like, 'don't let your mind snap' 'you're in control, theres nothing to be afraid of, ur brain is fearing something that hasn't happened yet, its just a fear response but you are safe right now" and taking deep breaths. )

Yes, to distract and sooth yourself from the situation at hand, but you are in a battle with your own mind, and that scares you. So you let the music guide you so you don't feel so directionless in the moment. Also controlling your breathing can help you feel in tune with your body, and deep breaths obviously can help calm people down. They help you stay grounded in yourself and your surroundings.

(the music was *really* soothing as i was coming more and more out of the dissociative experience. i dont know how to describe it but, a song that normally wouldn't make me feel anything at all, at this time because of being super heightened anxious state, i could *feel* it more? if that makes any sense. like the actual vibration of the music was extremely stress relieving psychologically and felt to my body and mind like a mini orgasm, or like recieving a really fucking good massage. )

Because music can help bring out feelings you didn't know were there. Music can help you feel, and therefore have more clarity on your emotions, therefore yourself, which is very helpful with someone who has a difficult time being in tune with themselves.

(i thought that was really interesting how good the music felt and how markedly comforting, soothing, and extreme feelings of relaxation and calm came over me. )

Yes because that music was what you needed, it aided you in your subconscious search for self understanding.

Blanc said: 

@15:02 this was the song that my brain found so magical lol ✨ 

 

now that I’m not in that mental state, it just sounds normal and doesn’t have the same effect as before 

it was like ultra enhanced, the experience. Very weird lol 

 Because you were starved for an emotional connection with yourself, which is what really felt good and not the music. It was like you were starving and it was food and the taste of that food was amazing because you were starving for it. It's not going to be as good when your not starving.

I had a dream last night that I went to Japan, and my friend who was Japanese was enjoying it quite a lot. They said, “I love how you just, can’t see the ocean anywhere. Finally!” And we were surrounded by tall buildings covered in colorful lights, extremely crowded small walkways with narrow buildings, you couldn’t see out of it. It was concrete everywhere. And I was walking through it feeling kind of depressed, and hating it. And wondering if I was depressed because I was in Japan and wanted to go home and didn’t like it or if I was depressed because I’m just depressed. But I felt disappointment like, there was all this hype surrounding the trip and we went through a lengthy air port and traveling process to get there and it felt like this big leap or risk into the unknown like an adventure… and then it just turned out to be not what I really wanted and I couldn’t enjoy it. 

And if that doesn’t speak volumes about my subconscious and where I’m at mentally right now, I don’t know what does. 

I only got like maybe 5 hours of sleep last night because I was randomly in pain all night for absolutely no reason 

Had another anxiety attack last night. Just woke up having one at 2:30am. 

I don’t write down every single one I have idk why

but yeah last night… it just made me want to talk about something that’s been on my mind but I don’t know how to say. 

so first of all… the anxiety attacks themselves are very difficult to explain other than using the word, psychotic. Which doesn’t probably fit well. But, it feels like I am losing my mind a bit, reflecting on the experience but I don’t know…. How to explain, why that is like I don’t know how to say with words what the experience is actually like in explicit detail so you can imagine experiencing it yourself there just … are no words and it’s very abstract… I’ve tried… using pictures … but that… isn’t really… doing it either. 

And…. Lately you know my anxiety has even evident to my parents and they suggested I see a therapist which I have one booked but. 

when it comes time to explain my concerns to the therapist I have no idea how I’m going to explain… them, properly. So I’m really just trying to find the words right now 

I want to be careful because I don’t want to get a misdiagnosis like schizophrenia or something but, I will not lie, and this is very private but… I… a small fraction of me wonders you know… maybe the doctor that suggested I was bipolar is right. Maybe, ya know like…. Maybe… I’m much “crazier” than I think? 

Because the experience is just so bizarre it makes me scared that my mind is disintegrating or I am descending further into … chemical imbalance or a problem like, I dunno, psychosis like, features from whatever disorder or madness. 

I dunno. But, basically if you have really weird panic attacks that aren’t just about the typical stuff like ‘oh I think I’m gonna die’ like…. I feel like I’m actually losing my mind when I have this anxiety or panic attack sometimes. 

And maybe that’s quite common to report like ‘I feel like I’m losing my mind’ or ‘am i going crazy’ when it comes to this sort of thing 

because the experience is so bizarre and difficult to control and, very irrational, and abnormal seeming.  

but…. Yeah so basically… and here’s the crazy part is I will forget that this ever happened. I genuinely don’t know how many times this has occurred because I forget most of them even did occur. The anxiety attacks. It’s weird but I will dissociate from the fact I even have this problem or will forget about it sometimes. Not all the time but, sometimes. And it’s, not on purpose like I just slip into, forgetting. 

I slip into.,, different moods, apparently. As well so. 

And sometimes I’m aware it’s happened and other times I will forget that I was in a different mood before. Like, it’s like having no object permanence in babies but applied to, mental states.

like I tend to be just in the moment, and I will say yes I am fine I’m good I’m great, completely forgetting that two weeks ago, maybe I had suicidal thoughts? 

it’s hard to explain the experience of these mental states, and why they are more than just moods but like, actual mental states or frame of mind. 

but it’s like night and day. 

And I forget what it was like to have day when it’s night, and I forget about night when it’s day (sometimes). 

But in this case, using mindfulness and like mentally checking in, and writing things down I’m trying to be aware of this and… yeah noting down when I have these attacks or mental state changes and what they are like in detail 

Helps me to not forget (sometimes) lol. 

Sometimes I think the forgetting is almost like a pure form of denial or, I just become very confused and lost in like confusion over the validity Of my experiences and what it means, or how real it even is- or, anything, is. 

The meaning of things can become lost sometimes for me- like, literally everything including myself. It’s like, I’m not able to attach or identify anything… sort of like looking at a ball, and say you have no words and no vocabulary and never learned, language. 

you look at the ball and you cannot name what it is. You cannot say, this is a ball. You can’t identify the label assigned with the ball. 

and this is what it’s like sometimes when the meaning of everything is lost to me, and my attachment to it disappears, and I lose the ability to label or identify even things inside myself, even my own self as a whole, even looking at myself or thinking of the meaning of my name etc. 

I will dissociate from it, pretty severely. 

And Right now, I’m in a clearer and more grounded state of mind (for the first time in a long time dude) and I’m able to af least somewhat communicate these experiences I have and identify them

but when I’m inside of it, it’s much more difficult to communicate about having this experience… and the likelihood of me doing so or being able to is honestly slim… and the reasons why that is would take a while to hash out with psychological help but without being in that state, it’s hard for me to remember why it was so difficult to just say, “I’m having this problem”  

it’s like being in the dark a bit so there is no contrast… of light against shadow so you can’t see… clearly. 

Like.,, you’re just fumbling around in the dark. Becaus when you are well, and the lights are on, you have that ability to contrast. And you can say, yeah, vs how normal I am right now- here is the clear abnormalities, I can label them and categorize them and describe them to the best of my ability 

here you go 

but… when you are not well, there is nothing to contrast those experiences with mentally so you can’t articulate as well.,, because you’re in the dark and you can’t even see. Like.,, you’re inside of the problem so how can you identify what it looks like from the outside 

I dunno this is hard to explain but because when you are experiencing a mental problem it’s much more difficult to articulate what the problem is 

And it’s really difficult to describe why that is. It’s so hard to describe why that is. 

But yeah.., anyways. 

so these are some of the problems that come up and I think like oh, I’ll just tell my therapist when a problem comes up but then a problem comes up and I actually become less likely to communicate that I am experiencing a problem the worse I am experiencing it 

it’s like a trap lol 

i wanna go home.

I can’t remember things well