Check my avatar guys. That’s it :( I mean... I stopped drinking and don’t do drugs anymore and started taking estrogen pills because I’m giving into the idea that maybe people are correct about me, so I’ll be more girly in like two more weeks.
I started looking on dating sites for my husband and have stopped having sex for good, at least until I get married, so I’m becoming a better person, but I guess I still have no value. My boobs got slightly bigger already and now that I’m not drinking, I have more time to spend on other people that I live with. I’m being nicer to people and removing my evil thoughts, really but surely. I have a new friend here, Delora, so I’m widening my friend search.
One day I’ll be perfect, so that’s my goal. I’m exercising still, eating less, sleeping more, working more efficiently, since I have no one to watch the person I live with anymore. I’m trying to learn how to cook, I’m keeping everything clean, and I’m embracing my feelings and my desperation. I might be a narcissist, so I’m working on removing those traits. I am purging myself of all bad things and this will be where I update you on my progress, even though you don’t care.
I am also preparing myself to be alone for a long time and do stuff on my own. Starting Monday, I will try to walk to the store alone. I don’t need anything from the store yet, but I won’t make it on my first try anyway, so I need to start trying before I need something. I am budgeting my money and will be getting an apartment in September, after my bankruptcy is closed, and will be paying barely anything because I just need one bedroom now.
I will not let anyone else know I have money, so they won’t use me like everyone else does. Hopefully they will see some value in me other than money, so I won’t have to drink to dull the pain of not being loved and being used instead. I will not tolerate things I do not like anymore, so I will be more assertive without having to drink to get the courage. I will stop letting my past influence my future and instead forget about everything I’ve gone through and look at the future through brand new eyes.
I will take the Ohio bar in February and start practicing later that year. I will probably move back to San Diego in February and build my practice there some more, then I will move back to Ohio in July if I passed the bar and start my practice here. I will stop omitting information, as I have already started to do by letting everyone know I’m taking estrogen pill things. I have the symptoms of low estrogen, so I decided to try it and it’s totally working. I’m looking better each day.
I will leave this place once I am perfect and focus fully on my work and the person I live with, or I will leave when I find my future husband on a dating site. I will try to get dressed every morning and do my hair, but that will take a while to establish because laziness doesn’t go away in a day like most other things.
My value will come from my heart and how nice and loving and caring I am, which is already a thing, I just have to stop suppressing it. I’ve always been nice and vulnerable and caring and loving, but after I got raped, I realized I can’t survive like that, so I became evil and how I was before. Now, I know that the only way to find a nice guy, is to be a nice girl. I’ve been chasing evil guys because that’s how I have become, evil, so if I want a nice guy, I need to be nice. That’s easy for me now, thanks to someone, so I’m ready to be my true self and deal with whatever consequences come from that.
No money will be involved. I’ll let the guy take care of me like it’s supposed to be. I’ll be my sad, vulnerable and hurt self and see who wants to protect me.
These are my goals and I’ll let you know which ones I have accomplished as I accomplish them.
