"Do not talk to me until I have dranken my coffee." "You would not like me if you saw me before I have had my morning cup of dirty brown mud." "The best part of waking up in the morning, is that cup of coffee in my cup." You've heard all the aphorisms. It seems that coffee drinkers can't live without their "brown stuff." At first, these sayings sound like funny jokes. Then you realize they aren't jokes, but rather admissions of pre-meditation with regards to future acts of terror the coffee drinker is likely to commit when they finally go ape.
A coffee addict—a sick creature—relishes their reliance on the dirty stimulant, known as caffeine, to function. They openly brag about their inability to do basic tasks like reading emails or modifying Excel spreadsheets (their "job," if you can call such a pathetic activity a job rather than charity makework for the developmentally stunted) under the guise of self-effacing humor. "We're joking...but we're actually not joking so when we snap one day, we will be able to say we warned you. But until we snap, you are not allowed to treat us like the ticking time bombs we clearly are without being accused to overreacting to cliché humor."
They almost all have dark bags under their eyes. Their breath smells like rotting death. Their skin: Paper thin, with veins bulging; ready to burst. Their "coffee mugs" are all disgusting due to a pathological reliance on their coffee which doesn't allow them enough time in between coffee drinking to wash their mugs. Their eyes are bloodshot and they are constantly manic or talking about how they have a headache without seeing the controlling variable: the gap of time between when they last had a "cup of mud" and now. They are incapable of understanding the consequences of their actions, so murder or road rage are never far out of the range of their probable course of action. Dealing with a Java Joe is a dangerous affair. Always keep chocolate covered espresso beans in your pocket in case one goes to attack you. Throw those beans on the ground or off the edge of a building in case of an attack. While the addict is distracted, you can then retaliate or flee.
Would you trust the judgment of somebody who boils cabbage then throws out the cabbage, drinks the cabbage water and calls it a "healthy morning drink?" Of course not, that sort of person would never be allowed into the general population. Why are we tolerating people drinking boiled bean water? Why are we acting like this bizarre mental malfunction is a healthy way of living? It's time to stop and take a stand and stop being friends with Java Joes. It's time to stop serving Java Joes at your place of business. Who knows what other cranial maladaptations they're concealing? It's time we treat Java Joes like second class citizens and pass legislation to suppress their antisocial lifestlyes before their madness spreads.
