Sociopath Community

Blanc said: 

Why's there only one male name in this? It breaks theme. 

Woke up at 2am after getting maybe 1-2 hours of sleep- literally in the middle of a panic attack. 

for absolutely no reason. 

The dream I was having was in a house with this grey tile and it was super empty and as I was there it kept getting emptier. Like the furnishings were dissapearing. And I was searching for the light switches in the dark and then toggling them, and they wouldn’t turn on. I wasn’t really scared or worried in the dream and didn’t feel I was in danger or anything like that. I was just kind of frustrared that none of the lights worked and was trying to find creative ways to source light until the sun would come up in a few hours and let light in through the big windows. 

I pushed back the blinds wish were those hanging ones from like the early 2000s that just, are like hanging white slats. To let in more moonlight. And then I went over to a couch and put a small tv on it and it was emitting like blue light. I positioned myself in front of it cross cross apple sauce and was going to watch a show or something 

this is something I used to do when I was a very small child I would get this box black tv just like the one In my dream and sit in front of it like that... 

and that’s when I woke up realizing my heart was racing so fast I was like is this a panic attack or is this a heart problem lol. 

that’s how emotionally detached and numb to it I was. So I wasn’t experiencing the emotion of panic, at all, but my physical body still was. For no known reason or cause. 

When I came to in bed I was kind of tossing and turning and was really hot at first.

Had to meditate to clear my head, calm app and breathing and grounding exercises made it stop? I was like- maybe I just drank too much caffeine or something? Idk 

But when I tried to reflect on the dream more it would make the panic attack worse so. Who knows. The place in the dream was a place I’ve never seen before to my knowledge but feels oddly familiar. And was so empty and strange like those liminal space photos you might of seen floating around. 

Whenever I think about it I start to feel weirdly scared like in a paranoid and “I don’t feel safe” way... despite there being nothing wrong obviously and no immediate threats. 

This feeling (in reality, not I. Dreams) is something that I struggle with usually surrounding panic attacks but sometimes rarely is by itself... and can sometimes come with lethal doses of dissociation, sensory distortion, and  weird physiological experiences 

It’s just this weird feeling of being afraid for no particular reason. But that the threat is eminent and all around you, you’re surrounded by danger despite there being nothing, that is actually, scary, off, etc. 

Sometimes it’s like a tiny bit of paranoia, and I don’t get this feeling when I take my meds. 

other times it’s really all encompassing to that point it’s difficult to bare, and can cause really intense panic and dissociation and it can be quite scary.

I’ve always struggled with this sort of weird fear thing that comes out of no where since I was a kid, where I just randomly get scared where I am and have to leave that room or wherever I am because I think something bad is going to happen? (Not specific) unless I do it. 

So yeah just now I got up and left the room I was in because I had that feeling and it’s really difficult to just dismiss. It’s like, you have to do it. And then I went in a different room. As if that makes any sense, logically.

my brain is like “ah yeah, not scary in here. Good here. Different room. Good room. Other room bad.” 

yeah. It makes no sense. And luckily this paranoia doesn’t last very long at all. So I won’t be permanently like this. 

It’s just like, anxiety. For no reason. Happening. Lol 

this is the forms it takes for me, it’s different experiences for everyone.

i didn’t take my meds last night and also drank too much caffeine so that’s probably what did it. 

like I said if I take my meds it’s a lot less likely to happen, everything I just stated above. 

Turncoat said: 

Blanc said: 

Why's there only one male name in this? It breaks theme. 

 Maybe Bobby has gender dysphoria and is ftm

i think i left my headphones in miami. can't find them. 

this place is sort of like, an honesty hour, void where we can come to get away from, well, all the bull shit. to be frank. 

it's the dark end of the street where we meet. 

i've always found comfort in these kind of places. 

after not being able to recognize myself in the mirror, after returning home from mexico and getting out of a 'traumatic' relationship. i've gone down a pretty weird rabbit hole of trauma and, particularly, an identity crisis. as much as i hate to admit that. 

i've been reflecting you know like... where did things go wrong and maybe it was always. wrong. and yeah, maybe life was unfair or fucked up. and maybe i'm just, insane, to some degree. 

pretty much all my life i've been, grappling for, comfort, and solace. not only from external, issues, but very internal ones as well. it can be kind of a mind fuck trying to run from your own internal, problems. 

and eventually i put on my big girl pants and said, i want help. you know. i was desperate enough to say, maybe everything i ever thought or believed, was wrong. maybe all my opinions didn't really matter, maybe who i thought i was isn't, who i was. 

somewhere along the way i just lost touch, with that. person. i don't really know what happened. 

some people say they see me coming more like myself, and sometimes i have moments of clarity where i can see the connection and bridge the gaps in my head. 

but other days, my head is muddy and i'm lost in something else. that, ironically is purely my own, doing. 

dissociation wheres many disguises, i suppose and.. 

well, "blanc" though she is very much a part of me, is, just sort of one of these places i came to find comfort. in, an incredibly dark time where i was very, alone. it would of probably been sort of terrifying had i not had something to mask it with. 

so, while i am just sort of, the author of blanc. some of the time things are so difficult for me to deal with or i don't know how to deal with or don't know how to confront etc... its like, this default, setting i find myself on to get through, hard times. 

even though it is just, art. like, i get very lost in it and i pour my whole self into it. 

whenever things just aren't giong well for me. whether i'm tangled in my head, depressed, stressed, things are muddy, whatever i feel- isolated, abandoned, mistreated, neglected- or something inbetween. perhaps, just, something doesn't feel right. like somethings missing. or off. or perhaps, life doesn't make sense. nothing makes sense anymore, and i dont have the answers. 

there is always, this art form to turn to like, a perfect, escape but- something which i can also derrive, passion, and meaning from- which, gives me purpose and, liberation, exhilleration, here- on the outside world and. that is real. you know? the, pay off, of creating something. 

it's more than just a coping mechanism, it's like, i do these sort of things. blanc is just one of many. in order to, make my own self better. my own life better. to fulfill, whatever it is, i need. meeting my own need. 

i often find myself needing some, ulterior,meaning, some purpose, something larger which i, become a part of- where i feel my, more creative desires are solicited to, catered to. and allowed room to breath, freedom... i dunno. 

it sounds kind of cliche but it's uh, it's sort of like maslow's hierarchy of needs. you know.... self actualization. 

https://youtu.be/CM0RHShoxG0 itsnotover chlobocop 

for a while i had sort of stepped away from "blanc" and.... stopped, writing. for it. 

and uh.... i think.. that i shouldn't stop. it's not over like i thought it was. 

been going through a really difficult time i suppose, so it makes sense that i reinvigorate an area of comfort. 

i never know whats going on in my own head anymore, and this writing at first, was an attempt to gain some sort of control and self awareness... trying to act like, i knew exactly what was happening. 

but the truth is, i fucking don't. i don't have any answers here. like, literally none. 

and then i think, maybe i just think to much. maybe if i just, got out more you know. i wouldn't be so 'weird'.

but i've always kind of been a bit... weird, in a really, normal, sort of way. and i have no idea why that is. 

and then i had an identity crisis as i forementioned and, now i uh.... i've been trying to like, get it all together. 

but i just, can't. 

and i've read about symptoms of, burn out and, being emotionally numb and, attending all these meetings for, adult children of alcoholics. 

i don't really know whats going on with me. i think "ah yeah, i identify with that" but i mean, does it make it right. am i burn out. am i an adult child. am i, experiencing numbness due to mental illness. 

i do these backflips in my head all, day, long. and i never get anywhere with it. 

this sort of back and forth goes on though about everything. i mean, from jobs, relationships, even arguing over details of, interpersonal relationships and my own past, and, over my own, identity, and experiences. even trauma. even, my own thoughts. 

"was that really trauma or are you just making that up so that you feel validated in feeling this way or to meet some other need" 

"is this really what you think, is this really what you feel right now- or are you just saying that in the moment because it'll, give you what you want." 

to the point like, i don't know, whats right anymore. i really don't. 

this internal arguing can often be a little cruel. "it's your ego, you have ego problems, yeah you're a narcissist. you're full of yourself. you're an unfeeling sociopath" 

"nah, you're not a sociopath, you're just a king baby, cry baby, spoiled wanna be, nobody, nothing." 

"dont show them how you feel" 

and what for? don't show them how i feel for what reason. what do i have to lose? 

i've already lost so much, and i just find myself sort of going in circles. 

i have a lot of bad habits to undo. patterns, etc. 

but most importantly, the depression is just the cherry on top.right. let me know if you can fix that one because i've been battling it ten years and so far the best bat i've seen was benzodiapines i mean they really knocked it out of the park. but we know the repurcussions to that one. and if you don't it involves shaking head to toe writhing in pain on the edge of vomiting for about three weeks, i mean in more pain than you could ever think that your body could feel, in such detail in every fiber of your being. it's not like, "ah,my body aches." 

it's like, someone started a fire in every electrode and then, as they are all conneted well, the whole building is just burning. and burning and burning- for weeks on end and it doesn't stop. not for you to even take a pee break much less sleep. but the physiological ramifications are just half the pie- the psychological hell that you experience is on another level. it makes whatever mental illness you've ever battled in your life look like a stuffed toy next to a real life grizzy bear. so have with that. yeah, benzos. real fun ride. 

anyway, this whole internal arguing thing usually, its quieter when i take my meds, so, i have to take them. i haven't in what- two days? i dunno. i'm horrible at keeping track of time these days. whatever day it is. 

i remember looking at the calendar and being like what? it's march? oh i guess it's march. 

i don't uh, care to take the meds to get rid of internal arguing i mean, thats managable but. its the panic attacks that are difficult, to put up with. 

anyway, i'm kind of, a very sick person. as you can see from everything i've been delineating here on these pages about... what i go through but. 

heres the funny part, i have no idea why. and, i have no idea how. much, should i care. you know.how much attention should i really give it. and by the way, i've tried the whole, 'just ignore it it'll go away on its own thing" and that really, really back fired. (ended up having total mental breakdown). 

it was sort of like everything i suppressed sort of started coughing itself up in bite size mental breakdowns and conniptions until eventually i jus tmentally, took a shit and wound up being nothing short of psych ward material. 

these sort of, uh... breakdowns too. are exhausting. you know. it really burns you out and has taken me years to recover from. so i cant really just do that to myself over and over again. thats, insane. 

so yeah, suppression. great idea in theory but, in reality, very, very bad idea. 

i'm rambling.... but it was good to get all this off my mind.... here in the good ol' blanc diaries. where, i feel safe, putting it. compartmentalizing it. yeah. 

that's... thats what im doing right? i dunno. is it? lol 

anyway,... another thing i've been doing lately is recognizing like, my reality. not only in the fact like, yeah i'm the author of blanc, yes, i have an identity crisis problem in my head with internal arguing and panic attacks and depression. thats, my reality. hi. reality. yeah, check in. but uh.... another part of my reality is my past. which i tend to sort of ignore. pain. and, realities, of like. things that have happened and... what that means to me,how it affects me, yeah me, the actual person who experienced it. 

i too often like, will dissociate from my past, in order to funciton i like put myself in all these other directions mentally but like, is that real? i dunno like, sort of is, sort of isn't. these other realities i put myself in do have basis in my reality, and are derived from my own past and experiences etc. 

but.... it's not like, the whole picture. 

basically what i'm getting at is like.... i really am trying to allow myself to just sit, in the reality of things and be... like. just be. i dunno.... trying to just be. myself (whatever that is) and 

sort of giving more creedance to a thought or a feeling or, a predisposition or an opinion instead of just dismissing it. following intuition, and having the foncifdence to say like- 

no, that, that's right. you can say that. yeah. you can think that. it's ok. like, you can have that opinion, whatever. like....

you get what i mean.... i dunno. being less dismissive of myself and cutting myself down less. 

(trying to anyway) 

ironically this is where i left off in rehab, in my work book (before i literally went a-wall and left and then threw it away yeah i did that). there was like work book with a bunch of sections and i was told to work on the self-confidence and self-worth chapter LOL 

but yeah. the first chapter for me that i went through before that was like, self-capability, and self-responsibility, as well as self-compassion and self-love. so uyeah... self-confidence.... is probably where i'm at now if i had to guess. i could be wrong but. 

but that's just one work book in an entire library of books that i could read to, become mentally well adjusted. 

therapy is like a mental chiropractor. they teach you how to sit up straight. 

but i made friends in the darkness, that are too beautiful to throw away. blanc is a beautiful work of art. and each carving that it took for me to scrape it into existence you know, came directly from my own, real pain. and... well.. in a way its, a custom enantiomer of whats on my heart and my soul. so of course it's going to speak to me but. 

i hope it speaks to others as well. (thats what i always hoped)

Blanc said: 

Turncoat said: 

Why's there only one male name in this? It breaks theme. 

 Maybe Bobby has gender dysphoria and is ftm