Past five days I think I’ve been depressed. I thought maybe it would clear up by the third day and I did feel slightly better on the fourth day and I had hope things were returning to normal
but then today the fifth day it’s slowly been sort of creeping back up on me and I’m trying to get rid of it
it’s very frustrating because I know just one week ago I was fine. but suddenly the weight is back, and it’s difficult to describe.
but anyway, I keep sleeping all day and all night, and it’s because of living with other people... I wake up to every cough, every door open and shut, every toilet flush.
my dad gets up in the middle of the night to go to his computer, and then he does again very early like 3, 4, or 5am sometimes 7-9
and my grandmother is here and also coughs and using the restroom a lot in the middle of the night
so even though I managed to correct my sleep schedule and fall asleep at night I inevitably wake up 6-7 times because of everyone’s inability to be quiet
When my mom was here she also got up a lot in the night or early am to watch tv. Sometimes 11, 12, sometimes later.
they also stay up late watching tv and I’m unable to fall asleep until everyone is away in their rooms, I don’t know why but it’s an anxiety issue I have.
ans then when everyone is up during the day I am trying to still sleep because I’m so tired, but the noise of the day continues to wake me up.
I would say I just really need to be left alone but I think loneliness in this head spade could be dangerous, and I’m not sure if it would make things better or worse.
These depressive episodes do come sometimes but I hadn’t had one in a while and I don’t know why I fooled myself into thinking they’d never come back.
I think it’s a combination of factors that started it but that doesn’t matter now, now it’s just a matter of climbing back out of it that is so hard.
Drinking water and eating certain foods, taking the meds consistently, taking care of myself in all the ways that needs to be done.
I went and exercised taking my dog for a walk literally forcing myself. The only reason I was half motivated to go was just so I could get out of the house.
I didn’t think it would make me feel better but I gave it a shot and it did not help that much.
I just was sad the entire walk and, took the long way on purpose to avoid going home until dark.
I started to cry while I was close to home, because I was listening to the music I wrote thinking that’d make me feel better. Sometimes it does. And in the lyrics I said, “nobody’s coming to save you” or something like that.
and it just reminded me of an art piece I did of the home I lived in Utah, the “home for children” as my parents call it and. And I wrote in it in big letters “no body’s coming to save you” as part of the piece.
And I just got sort of overwhelmed with like traumatic flash backs from that time, and from times in my childhood because I was walking around on the same places I walked daily as a kid. And so a lot of troubling like old stuff was being stirred up
that I just can’t make sense of, never have been able to like put it to rest in that way and it’s frustrating. It was tears of frustration because I’m tired of the stupid old traumas leaning on me so harshly and being so frustrating and hard to understand and figure out while at the same time tormenting me and my life and making it so difficult. I’ve gone through too much because of it.
and there was just a sense of, I don’t know. Despair about the whole thing. like there’s no escaping it and it will continue to, bring me down and make me sad when I’m alone and. Like I’ll never be able to be fully right again or fully happy again.
