Relapse - 1 - Sociopath Community

Blanc · 2019-07-03T16:39:55.9870000

Fuck I am relapsing. Can’t stop it. Bleh.

I was in a really bad head space the last 24 hours I have no idea what happened or what triggered that but I am feeling a little better now after literally sleeping all day

it’s not like I was sleep deprived I had actually been getting good sleep consistently recently every night going to bed pretty early and waking up at a normal time for once

but for whatever reason I was still exhausted and needed more sleep...

It was more like a “depression nap” than it was a self care nap like I want to say “oh I was just listening to my body and giving it what it needs and it worked!” But I had no idea I was going to wake up feeling better and I’m honestly surprised I do

this has happened twice this week where I felt like mental illness really creeping back up on me like a wave and then I literally slept and woke up feeling different

I’m not complaining like if that’s all it takes to make it go away by all means... lol

i have no no idea what happened but it was like I was headed for a really bad head space and then I slept and woke up fine

weird. I guess that happens when you’re like prone to depression and anxiety... and like I had gotten triggered last night, had a really bad panic attack I have no idea why tbh

hadnt had had one in a really really long time

and so so even after a good nights sleep my head space today was still reallt weird from all of that and as much as I was trying to cope with it healthily, I felt like I was on the verge of like another mental breakdown/panic attack literally for no reason

it was just happening and I had no control and I didn’t understand why or how

so so that’s why I was like maybe if I take klonopin that will just level me out and prevent another shit fit tonight because I’m reallt not trying to have one and it really feels like I will

and I contacted people that would connect me but luckily

I fell asleep on accident and took my depression nap for literally five hours

and woke up feeling a lot better and didn’t have to go buy drugs Illegally

I am going to go talk to my psychiatrist about getting an as-needed medication, maybe try buspar again (a non-benzo) just to have on hand when these weird slip ups happen

because yeah whenever my mental space slips like that into something really bad and I start panicing it’s just really difficult to get control of and it really affects me negatively like it makes me want to harm myself etc

and i I know klonopin works like to put a stop to all of it so I can just feel ok

i liked buspar but I had really bad body pain the day I tried it and I read that can be a negative side effect so. I’m not sure if it was the buspar or if it was just me though because at the time I was also trying ability and also coming off of klonopin so maybe it was residual withdrawal pain

so yeah... it would just be nice to have so I don’t have to live in constant fear of like randomly being triggered thanks

I think the main reason this all happened in the first place is because I have gone off my lexapro entirely this month

so I am more sensitive to panic attacks now that I have nothing blocking it

So I had to go ahead and take the lexapro even though it makes me reallt tired and likely just isn’t the right med for me

so maybe I can discuss with my psychiatrist something that is just an anti-anxiety but not an anti-depressant as well. Lexapro is both and I just havent really struggled with any depression except for those two like mood swings I got where I took a nap and then was fine lol

and that wasnt that severe. It was just a bad mood that passed really quickly and wasn’t so unbearable that I couldn’t function or whatever or couldn’t handle it.

the anxiety is what I couldn’t handle so yeah.

And btw, what triggered the panic attack, was a fucking YouTube video. And then my brain just got really overwhelmed. Like really really overwhelmed. It was like I was thinking like a normal person having thoughts, but instead of them all just passing through the subconscious they were ALL IN THE FRONT REALLY LOUD ALL AT ONCE SO THAT YOU COULDNT NOT NOTICE THEM AND THEY WOULDNT GO AWAY AND IT WAS IN RAPID SUCCESSION ONE AFTER ANOTHER ADTER ANOTHER AFTER ANOTHER

And it was all really negative things and I was feeling all of it too deeply like everything hurt way too much and I was sensitive to the most slight thing

it’s a lot but yeah

like everything was reminding me of something bad and making me freak out more?

Like water= drowning children

see what I mean and it was like that reallt fast and overwhelming ALL IN THE FRONT

like I couldn’t just ignore it and then my body is experience the physiological symptoms that are literally getting worse and worse

and I’m trying so hard to just get a grip on my mind and make it still, and focus on something calming but that like barely worked because I couldn’t hang onto it like something kept interrupting my focus internally

and I had to ignore the horrific physiological symptoms and try to like meditate which wasn’t working that good

it was just a mess. I had to watch certain YouTube videos and deliberately try really hard to like not panic and stay calm and after an hour of fighting it off it finally started to wear away land get lighter.

But yeah like I said it left me in a really weird head space and I was still sensitive to things so yeah

I slept now my head space feels a little better so that’s good..

just.... hope that doesn’t happened again but would be nice to have klonopin on hand for when it does because that will nip things in the bud as I feel one coming on

and just prevents all of it from even happening