Sociopath Community

A few things over the years. ADD, but I kind of leaned into that one to get some speed. Other ones more valid have been major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, hypochondria, PTSD, and substance abuse disorder. Most of these are pretty manageable or not there anymore if my life is alright, but the hypochondria is a bitch. Worst thing out of all of those.

diagnosed with the cool

Schizoaffective Unipolar Mania (paranoid variant). 
Insomnia

I also have Algolagnia but that wasn't important enough to write down. 

THESE NUZ

ADD 

Major Depression 

Generalized Anxiety 

Panic Attacks with Suicidal Ideation 

C-PTSD/ PTSD (which sometimes comes with a wide array of dissociative symptoms)  

and EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, it is OCD in nature- not like anorexia/bulimia. Trauma related.) 

One psychiatrist thought it was possible I had DID/OSDD. He only met with me for two hours before he said it was possible. He was serious enough about it to tell my mother. But then he retired, so he was unable to see me any further and see into that. Basically I dissociated quite a bit during our session. 

I did the screening process for DID/OSDD online (following the CTAD clinic's roll out of testing process) which basically measures the severity and frequency of your dissociative symptoms and the worse they are the more likely you are to fall in the OSDD/DID range score wise. And I fell into the OSDD range. 

(The test scores, based sort of on a scale with BPD being the lowest scoring, PTSD mid-tier, then OSDD second highest, and lastly DID highest scoring.)

But then I never did anything with these results to continue the process of receiving an official diagnosis, I just focus on wholeness and integration in therapy as one of my like 'main goals' and my therapist said it's okay not to be too concerned with a label and whether it's accurate or not. 

And in the medical genre, I'm severely anemic, hypoglycemic, gluten and lactose intolerant, and I have a mild stigmatism. I have a bunch of other deficiencies which has led my doctor to prescribing me a specific diet and some supplements, to help regulate and balance everything out. She believes this may be indicative of a metabolic processing disorder or an auto-immune disorder, but she would need to do further testing to know for sure. It wouldn't be surprising as my dad has been diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder and is likely genetically speaking. The only actual medication I take that isn't just a supplement/vitamin or part of a diet/nutrition regiment- is a hormonal regulator called FemGuard as I *had* at one point twice the amount of estrogen than I should of had. Which is bad for health so we had to fix that issue. My adrenal and cortisol glands are also completely shot, and I mean completely shot. For whatever reason. My doctor said that's common in PTSD. 

Psychiatric medications I've been prescribed include, adderall, stratera, buspar, klonopoin, abilify, lexapro, as well as folic acid, in addition to vistaril, and trazodone. 

The only one I take though currently is lexapro 20mg, for the panic attacks/anxiety and depression- I've noticed it stops the OCD tendencies as well. 

One Nurse Practitioner wanted to say I had Cyclothymia (Bipolar type 3), she was sure enough to give me a medication for it, I can't remember the name of it, because I never took it. I wasn't really certain of her opinion and wanted to get a second one before I took a medication. I've kept an eye on the issue though independently and, I'm still just, not really certain enough to take a medication. I don't like the idea of taking them unless it's absolutely necessary. 

With the lexapro it is necessary. She believes that the lexapro is helping the cyclothymia somewhat, but is not doing as good of a job as a true bipolar medication could do. But, she'd only met me twice, for about 20 minutes each time. And isn't a psychiatrist, she's a nurse practitioner. You see my qualms with it. Yeah. 

My dad thinks I am bipolar though, if that counts for anything. Like I said, I'm not really sure. No one really is. 

But, if we were just talking casually, I would just say, "I have depression and ptsd" because these are at the forefront of what I deal with most often and are like the main, largest issues for me to the extent I have to be medicated because they are so severe otherwise I'm just completely debilitated by the combo of these without medication. 

A quote from a blogger writing about lexapro, 

"Lexapro has been a fucking Godsend. Though I haven’t yet experienced childbirth, I imagine it’s like the difference between feeling every ounce of pain associated with contractions, then suddenly getting an epidural. You still feel some pressure and discomfort, but for the most part you can handle it. Before the Lexapro I was struggling, and that’s putting it mildly. I was stuck in bed for days, not eating, I didn’t even want to get up to use the bathroom. Everything just seemed so difficult and it took a tremendous amount of energy to do the bare minimum.

Now, four months into being on that little small white pill, I feel like I’m reacquainting with an old friend. The antidepressant hasn’t completely eradicated my lows, but they’re much easier to deal with. When I see the dark clouds rolling in, I can throw on my rain jacket, open up my umbrella and wait patiently for the storm to pass. Knowing confidently—more importantly, that it will.

[...]  I hear Yoga works, I hear meditation works—I’ve yet to try either. But I know that I should, and I will in due time. Right now, I’m celebrating the fact that this is the most authentic I’ve been in years, and I finally feel like I’m living with purpose every single day. Maybe that too is the Lexapro talking, or perhaps it’s just personal growth." -author of Lemon-Love.com 

source: https://www.lemon-love.com/wellness/jesus-loves-me-this-know-for-he-gave-me-lexapro 

My comments: 

Meditation was a huge part of PTSD recovery for me, and yoga does significantly help with depression- as does exercise. Meditation helped me with insomnia, mastering panic attacks and anxiety. The medication in addition to life style, diet, and therapeutic changes (dbt), I've found that it has genuinely made a huge difference for me and resulted in personal growth and healing, forward moving progress toward normalcy from a very mentally ill place. 

Other important factors are developing coping mechanisms and tools, as well as mindfulness approach to creating a better mental space for you to be in, correcting mental dispositions and perspectives, thought patterns, and striving to increase emotional and mental stability, behavioral balance, and consistency. 

Stress management and rest are also huge in mental health, in addition to self care and diet. 

Something helpful for me was eliminating toxic people and instead seeking out things that were bettering my life- replacing toxic friends with a furry friend, who got me out of bed on the hard days and forced me to take a walk, and being there to cuddle when I was scared or sad- taking me out of my head a bit. He's been a source of joy in times where I had no means of accessing those feelings otherwise. Another example is, support groups, therapy groups etc. relevant to your struggles- reading books relevant to your issues- whether to gain a clinical understanding, new therapeutic approaches from experienced professionals, or reading about real people and their experiences with it. All are helpful to do just 30 minutes a day here or there. I'd love to share books that have helped me and places you can find support groups relevant to what you're struggling with if you're interested. I wasn't at first, but trust me, it helps. 

Another huge thing is just routines. Habit tracking. Everyone has different things that work for them, but routines really help promote stability and eliminate mental stress and fatigue. What works for me is the process of BDNF, which promotes neuroplasticity through engaging in 20 minutes of learning, 20 minutes of exercise every morning. 

And lastly, sometimes, you grow out of your therapist and move to a new one, or find one that better understands you and the issues you face at that time. In my opinion, constantly seeking out new methods, opinions, approaches, professionals etc, and keeping an open mind to their suggestions- and knowing when it's time to switch to a better therapist is super important. Don't just see one therapist for a week, go, "ah, the mental health system is shit" and give up on treatment. 

It's normal to feel that it's not getting better or it's not working. I felt that way a very huge amount of the time in the first few *years* of treatment! But you have to just stick with it, despite symptoms still being at their worst, or experiencing ups and downs with the disorders. It's part of healing. 

And also, giving the medication it's best chance, is important as well. Some people say oh it takes ten days, or it takes a month to know it's full effects. This is not true, that's just the *beginning* of taking effect. But in my opinion, I did not see it's full results until three years into taking it. And sometimes it's about getting to a place of half-mental wellness, before you realize the medication is helping you carry the other half which you cannot- and with flying colors. 

So it is very much so- half, your own work, coming to your own psychological well being and physical well being with the work and life style changes you make- and then, the other half, is the medication helping you along. It's easy to say, "it's not working" and just quit it. But in my opinion this is giving up on your prescribed treatment regiment too fast. As these things do take serious time, everyone operates at their own pace, and it's often a very non-linear progression toward well being. 

The medication is doing it's job, but you have to catch up and start working at the same pace, and coming from the same mental state that the medication is coming from (if it had a brain and could think and talk on its own) and when you find that synchronicity with your medication and your own mind, through treatment, that is when you will begin to thrive rather than just survive, your disorders. 

Being patient and learning to care for yourself is important, and it's okay if you cannot at first and rely on a support system and just feel you are getting by sometimes. Totally normal part of getting better, you have to give yourself time. A lot, of time. A lot, of patience. Allow rest when you need to. Allow a break instead of stressing. I'm talking not just three hours but, maybe 3 days, maybe three weeks. Seriously. When you start putting your mental health first in this way, in all things you do and partake in. No brainer, it might help. Lol. Then you start to find an ability to function in a balanced way, in a balanced mind set, that doesn't, run you ragged to the point of needing 3 week breaks any more. 

I remember just taking vacation at one point, and instead of partaking the vacation with my family going on adventures and going outside- I literally just slept in a completely dark room for the entire week. And it was the best thing for me. I didn't realize how much I needed mentally to rest until I took myself out of my own life and placed myself in a separate box where I was allowed to do what I genuinely needed and felt like. Rather than, white-knuckling. 

And then you get to a place where you're just functioning in a balanced way like I said, rather than white-knuckling all the time. And you're no longer enduring difficulty, but just, functioning, and living your life. That's kind of the goal. So yeah. That's just my two cents from my experiences with meds and therapy. 

A huge part of it is just giving yourself the time to come to the right mind set, and, being patient- and willing to work with the doctors, and not stopping seeking methods and treatments and recovery for yourself even when it is difficult or you feel resistant, unsure, and unwilling. or have Reservations. 

Medication is only half the battle. Can't stress that enough. 

Nothing lmfao 

ASPD & general anxiety disorder. also being evaluated for SUD but i'm going to try my best not to be diagnosed with it.

Also another thing about lexapro is at first, it might feel completely awful. It's QUITE an adjustment. 

Not everyone has the same experience with it at all! At all. 

So for me, at first I felt insanely tired. Some people may feel motivated and re-charged by it. Almost instantly from being prescribed. But for me, I was literally sleeping and falling asleep sitting up all the time. It was a zombie drug. This is a 1/10 experience or reaction to it. But it goes away after the adjustment, which is very, very gradual. 

It didn't instantly cure my panic attacks. It didn't instantly cure my depression. At first it trickled in like seasoning. Just a little tiny feeling of serotonin here- just a little tiny bit of help suppressing the constant anxiety I felt. But slowly I was able to regain confidence in my ability to handle my panic attacks, and with constantly working at it using the tools given to me in therapy, to approach them with (I used guided meditation, breathing tactics and the CALM app)- I became better and better at controlling them with time. I'm talking years. 

It helps, the medication helps. So, so much. So that I don't have panic attacks in the first place. But, they still do happen, it doesn't eliminate PTSD. The therapy helps you heal more than anything. But the medication just helps with the symptoms. 

And it's the same with depression, and the medication. 

But yeah. It's not instant, by any means, and, it may feel sort of off, or wrong, at first. Incredibly incredibly fatigued, feeling zonked, zoned out, spacey, not talking much, sort of like a zombie. Feeling 'dulled' or 'coma-like' or feeling 'nothing.' Lethargic. etc. 

But this does go away as you adjust very slowly over time. The biggest difference was noticeable between the first week of taking it and three months out from taking it. I went from being consumed with the affects of the medication to starting to feel a little more normal again. 

It gave me hope at that point. But it took that long to say, "oh, yeah, I think I do like this. I think it is working." 

So you have to stick with it. Consistently!