So, I know it’s been a long time and I’ve hoorays come back here whenever I was feeling bad and it happens a lot but, after this whole Trypt thing, I think it’s time for me to leave for good.
I know people think I get feelings for people easily because I usually say stuff like that about the dudes I want to try and marry, but those guys where literally for my marriage conquest. I didn’t really care who they were or what they were about. I just wanted to get married. They were what I call throw away guys. That’s why I ditched them all just because I didn’t like what was happening. If I cared about them, I would never hurt them, but I thought all I could feel was lust and my need for marriage so I could have a baby. I disliked the guys as people because they were mean to me, but I didn’t really care about myself at all.
Now that I have a baby, I’m not really looking to get married, mainly because I’m damaged goods and I know it, now more than ever. I have learned a lot throughout my chasing guys era and I know that I’m not supposed to be doing the chasing no matter how much I hate myself. Guys never meant anything to me other than a means to an end, but honestly, Trypt showed me that there are good guys out there. I don’t have to find them because they will see the beauty in me that’s not superficial or fleeting. I know I’m a good person deep down and I have been through a lot that has made me have to find a way to cope. I did it the wrong way and turned evil and ugly so I am perceived the way I feel inside. I’m not worthless, I’m not stupid, and I’m not an evil person.
I know I deserve more than I have received from being on this site because I actually care about people. I like helping people and I’ve forays been selfless. I see the good in people, even when they don’t see it in themselves. I can love people and I honestly do. I love everyone, which is why I thought I could be with anyone no matter what they do to me, but that’s not smart. My love is something that should be given freely, but not unconditionally to all. I need to fix this low opinion I have of myself that stems from me being raped as a kid and losing the only thing I’ve ever cared about. I need to care about myself and not just my purity, or lack there of.
I wanted to be a virgin when I got married, for my future husband, so that he would value me and have a great time with a fresh never touched thing. It was also for God so I could follow his rules about no sex before marriage. It was never for me. I always wanted to be valued by someone else, but I never valued myself. I need to realize that it’s okay to be weak and kind and caring and loving and helpful, even if people take advantage of it. I need to stop being afraid of being true vulnerable and hurt self because all I’m doing now is hurting myself even more. It’s a controlled pain because I know what’s coming, but I’m not supposed to let people use me and try to use others. That’s not who I am at my core.
I’m the person who helps old ladies down the stairs, helps blind people cross the street, takes homeless blind people to the homeless shelter, even though I’m trying to study for the biggest exam of my life and the shelter is an hour away. I’m the person who believes other people shouldn’t have to be in pain or want for anything. I’m the person who gives directions to strangers just to be helpful and doesn’t think of homeless people as less than others. I’m the kind of person who literally gives people the shirt off of my back and the shoes out of my backpack. I am someone who is willing to sacrifice themselves for anyone, even a stranger. That’s who I am and who I’ve always been. I was once willing to go against my entire family and look weak, just to help an old man who dropped his groceries. I miss that person and I should never have let someone hurt me enough to make me want to hide myself behind such a destructive and evil shell of a person that i am now. That’s how you lose your power, not by being weak. Weakness is hard to admit and it’s hard to survive with it, but that’s the biggest challenge and it’s a worthy one.
I’m tired of feeling hurt and hurting others because I feel hurt, only to be hurt by others because I hurt them. I’m tired of hurting and trying to get people to understand that what I do and say isn’t really me because it’s who I’ve made myself into because I felt I had to to be safe. I’m tired of trying to find a husband so I feel safe. I’m tired of pursing safety and security before anything else. I am making the decision to go back to who I really am and stop trying to be tough and protected by unfeeling callous shell. It makes me less than I used to be. Less valuable to others and myself, which fuels the cycle. I’m a weak, loving, caring person with feelings that got hurt and feelings that I let change me for the worst. I’m not worthless, I’m actually worth getting to know. I’ve been through a lot and it’s broken me. I need healing, but it’s come to a point where this place can no longer help me.
I figured out all that I can from this place and thanks to you guys, my outer layer of protection is coming down. I can see how I’m getting back to normal and starting to feel and understand my behavior and where it comes from. It’s time for me to be completely raw again. Be myself more than ever before and start enjoying life again. Helping people and making them smile and love themselves is the only things I’ve ever done that brought me joy. I figured this out when I visited Trypt and showed his grandma the baby. She has terrible health issues and is suffering more than anyone in the world should have to suffer, but when she saw the baby, she lit up. She was smiling and couldn’t control how much love she reflected towards the baby. It made me want to cry seeing the joy on her face. This also made me realize just how broken I am. I tried to avoid seeing her because I couldn’t handle the happiness either of us were feeling. I felt like a terrible person, but that’s what I’ve been doing ever since I got raped as a kid. I avoid happiness because I’m afraid of feeling, because I’m afraid of being hurt. That’s true weakness.
I appreciate you guys breaking me down over the years and allowing me to indulge in my fantasies. It really helped me see my destructive patterns and analyze what was happening. The reason I am leaving now is because I’ve realized that who I am now is not someone who deserves someone like Trypt. Yes, he’s alpha and puts up a front as well, but I saw his heart and soul and why he drinks and comes here, and I know I’m not even close to worthy of being around such a beautiful person. I know I need to stop chasing him and all other dudes because they can’t save me from myself. Only I can. I’ve become my own worst enemy and the person in the world I hate the most, actually the only person in the world that I hate. I’ve caused so much harm is hard to live with myself anymore. That’s why I’m always suicidal no matter what is happening around me.
This place is so toxic that a beautiful person like Trypt is tempted to cause pain and destruction when he really just wants love, companionship, understanding and an escape from his harsh reality. When I’m here, I’m driven to be selfish by the culture and the patterns I’ve developed while here. I can’t even focus on the guy I love without having thoughts of needing a backup just in case it doesn’t work out. What a destructive and stupid person I’ve been. I just washed someone who understands me and I find him and then let myself freak out and hurt him only to lose him by deploying destructive coping mechanisms that only serve to make a reality the very thing I feared. It’s like I’m digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. I never cared about that, even though I realized it before, but Trypt just opened up my heart and made me care about someone other than myself again. If I stay here, I’ll keep hurting people I care about because I’ll keep caring about people now that I’m actually open to feelings and love and just existing with someone I care about.
To Trypt: Not trying to ruin anything for you here, just want to thank you for your kindness and affection and apologize for my treatment of the situation and your feelings or lack there of, whichever you’d prefer. I’m not a stalker, contrary to popular belief, so I’m not going to chase you. Not that I don’t want to because, holy cow you’re perfect, but you’re not like the other dudes here. You’re not a trophy or some dude to tie down or help me feel safe or escape my life or to help me when I’m drunk. You’re such a beautiful person, body, mind, and soul and you deserve whatever it is you’re looking for or want in the moment. I don’t want to make that decision for you or even try. I’m not trying to trap you into a life of unhappiness or even one of contentment. I thought we had something pretty great for a while and I appreciate it and love the fact that it happened at all. I’m happy with where it is now because you know how I feel and that’s really all the info you need to decide. I just hope that you don’t get with someone who doesn’t appreciate who you are deep down and instead treats you like a way to get attention, or has any other selfish motive. I think you deserve more and better than that. Peace ✌️
