Sociopath Community

I heard the joke and I laughed 

when I graduated high school and walked across the stage, we had to shake everyones hands you know going across the stage one my one.

and everyone down the line is saying the same thing, "congratulations" "congrats" "congrats!" "congratulations." and I'm just on autopilot like "thanks, thank u, ok, coolio, yup." nervously like get me the fuck off this stage 

and then I get to the last person who is the dean of a really important college in my area, and she asks me, "where are you planning on going to university?" instead of saying congrats like everyone else, and I was jarred by the unexpected question, caught off guard and literally unprepared to answer this question in front of 50,000+ people 

and so all I said was, "no"

and I shook her hand just smiling and she was like

and I walked off the stage straight toward a camera. and then this guy snaps my photo and im like 

one time after winning a pageant I made a public statement to a facebook group that had literally everyone involved in the pageant community in my fucking state in it 

about the "truth" about pageants and how they're just using people for money and how it's really sad, that it's all done for profit. 

and then my mom made me call the directors of the pageant personally and apologize for what I said. But I did it really begrudgingly with no heart behind it, which was apparent. 

and yeah I just made it really clear in the facebtook post that I hated everyone in the pageant community and that I thought they were scum trying to paint themselves as good people who genuinely had zero morals or values- and they were just money grubbing losers acting like pretentious fag cunts stealing money from people but posing as like 'uppidity rich people' 

this makes me cringe so much to even admit this but yes I *actually* did that 

because I was experiencing burn out/ a slight mental breakdown from stress lmfao my mom had me running around in this film that was being filmed in New Orleans (I was working on two at the same time) and jus tweeting with agents and managers left and right, while still submitting auditions on the side which took a lot of work- while I was still in school, and had just been put through the ringer to win this stupid pageant (not my first go, it took several tries- so I was really burnt out- a lot of work goes into trying to win those things). 

so when I finally won I realized I didn't want to deal with all the stupid shit like showing up and waving in parades and going golfing with the fucking owners of a yacht club because I literally was so stressed about it and didn't have time... and like when you show up to these things you have to look perfect and be all high energy and I was just so exhausted and stressed. 

and my moms like "OH BTW U HAVE THIS MEETING AND THEN THIS SESSION AND THEN THIS HAPPENING AND HERES YOUR OUTFIT AND YOUR SHOES U HAVE TO WEAR AND THEN U HAVE THIS APPOINTMENT AND THEN THIS AND HTAT AN THIDH;AKDFNE;AYIA ;OIY/ dijyeeeeeeeeeeeee"

and this all over the phone btw, we aren't even in the same state and she's managing all of my travels and shit from afar and im doing all my schoolwork from afar on my own, traveling around to different states on my own, living in New Orleans and going to film sets at 4am on my own, and then after we would film- it'd be like 3am by the time you get home because you have to go out with the people afterward because if you don't go then you're weird and they think you don't like them!!!!!!!!!! and so I was working all day long and then sleeping none and literally didn't even have time to shower. 

so yeah I just...it was... it was the stress. of all of that life I was pushed into. just. reaction to stress.lol 

I felt bad for being kind of mean afterward so. lol. like "oh here's 10,000 dollars" and I'm like "lol fuck you all"