That's not really how I imagined you would sound at all. Somehow, I imagine everyone here would sound uncertain. Maybe I'm projecting.
I thought you said you have a high-pitched voice? Okay, next up is my Chaotik personality.
Thank you Turncoat, we will verify you shortly.
Okay, next up is my Chaotik personality.
Better late than never.
Better late than never.
Yet, I still have yet to do it.
I did have a job at Walmart, I technically still have it, but I was in physical agony because I guess I got to get my body checked out by a doctor as it seems there's something wrong, but essentially. The pain drove me mad, on top of issues with family becoming amplified. I left home and got some pot and alcohol, had a knife was going to take my life, decided not to. While drugged up my mom demanded I come home, then she demanded my car keys. I got unstable because she said she'd take my car away and so in the most rational thing I could conceive of, thanks to an online friend. I contacted a hotline and got sent to a ward for a few days.
I might discuss more on that later. I tried an over the phone therapy session. I didn't like it, I am trying to find face to face but there is a part of me that still doesn't want help. I am probably going to quit my job at walmart assuming I'm not already terminated, and I will probably try to do door dash or work at a smaller and closer dollar general.
My mental state degrades further and further.
I have had a weird goal in mind of obtaining LSD, since I have heard anecdotes of it helping people and their psyche. Granted, I am aware that it could also induce a bad trip and with the constant homicidal thoughts that plague my head, probably could turn out terrible. However, to me it feels inconsequential. I don't even know who I am really, and my memory of my past is foggy. It's annoying and I would rather essentially reach a synthesis. If I have a good trip, and become positive, good. If I have a bad trip and end up doing something that will get me killed, so be it. At least it wouldn't be stagnation.
I have considered your offer of the past, Turncoat where you said to me that I should just lay out all my life here, and issues and such and just accept the whippings. Since, you said it would make me stronger, and perhaps if I did that. I could remember more and rise above this ailment. However, I'd only do it once I'm able to get a gun, since I would rather be able to end my life without anything stopping me, should I be unable to handle it. If I die, then I wasn't worthy of achieving my dreams. However, I sometimes question if any of this real, and the way I would like to kill myself if it came to it would be to drink a lot, get a gun and then go kill all the people I can think of that I hate and save a bullet for myself. Honestly, the list isn't as huge. I just need to take down my brother, and anyone near me on a sex offender list. However, I doubt I would actuallly execute this thought in my head. It takes a lot more than imagining a scenario for it to happen. So, I don't think I'm really a threat to anyone or myself. Even if the thoughts continue to persist and ravage my skull.
why did you bump a thread from 6 months ago
Haven't been on here in 6 months. Decided to find the thread where I last posted to see if I got a response, then I responded. I guess this is where I shall make my updates if I am to ever return after I decide to disappear again.
