Sociopath Community

I’m really frustrated because there are keys missing and it really really throws me off 

if i could have the keys fixed i would of been playing fluidly this entire time but instead it’s all janky because I get confused with the missing keys 

it’s sort of like playing the piano on hard mode if you’re playing by ear and writing on the fly

also this piano is severely out of tune and is continuing to get more and more out of tune as the years go by. It’s not possible to fix without gutting it, and the price of doing so, you might as well just buy an entire new piano. 

I dont want to replace this piano at all, i dont want to change it, or tweak it, or remove pieces and parts. I dont want to paint it. Or fix it in anyway. I want it exactly as it is because it is very meaningful object to me. I’m not one to hold onto many things sentimentally, but this is one of those things I’ll never let go of and never change. 

There are a lot of reasons for that but. Yeah, literally won’t change a thing about it. 

This piano was found for free on craiglist, and my neighbors acquired it because, she had a thing for picking up free stuff on craiglist. It was like a hobby for her. But it wound up being a place of solace for me in a really difficult time in my childhood, and I would come to their house and play. As an escape from, whatever was stressing me out at the time. It was my only catharsis when I was completely alone. And, they were there too. The younger siblings. And that sort of became my life, outside my life. And I took care of them because no one else was. And I taught them to play the piano, and a lot of other things. I became like a sister to them and to me felt like my own children I loved them so much. Still do. And one day they had to go away, and it was a really sad night. But they couldn’t take the piano with them, it was too big so. They left it to me. Because I played it literally everyday they were like, no it’s yours you have it. And then the piano became the only place that filled that extremely empty gaping hole they left in my life when they were gone. I went through a pretty serious depression between them leaving and my current life circumstances at that time being pretty rough. So I would just play for hours and hours at a time, everyday. Something bad would happen or, things were stressing me out and I’d just, go and play until everything felt right. 

It’s my life that catalyzes the creation of the songs, however they come out. It doesn’t matter to me and none of it’s on purpose. It just comes out that way. 

But, ever since I’ve been put on medication it’s not been quite the same. I’m sort of regaining it back but, it feels like trying to restrengthen a muscle after you’ve broken your hand or your leg or something. Retraining the brain to play fluidly again. 

The stuff I used to write on guitar and piano was better than the stuff I write now. My family’s even told me that. That, whatever this stuff is, it’s not the same. But, the way I see it, it’s all on the path to becoming better. What they don’t know is before the full chapter of music is created, thats publishable, there is years of bad playing that leads to the creation of that chapter that slowly pieces together, after a lot of repiteated practice- and slow tweaking of songs that, initially do sound like trash when I play them. It’s just like a sculpture. 

It has to be bad to become good. You can’t be afraid to let it be horrible, and then refine it and fine tune it from there. That’s what I do. So yeah, that’s why I upload the good the bad and the ugly. It’s all usable material the way I look at it. 

But yeah, I do need to play on something without missing keys honestly, it’s just a little frustrating. I’ll figure something out for it. 

I’m sentimental about all my instruments. I don’t clean them, tweak them, fine tune them, restring them, or fix their broken parts. My friend spilled hot wax on my Hohner in college and it’s still there. On my Jaguar there is my blood on it because I used to play so hard I’d splatter blood from my fingers tearing them open on the strings. I left the blood on it. Idk why I just, never like, clean them up. I like them with all the character I guess. It’s what makes them mine and that is personal to me because... I don’t have anything that is private and just mine, for me and no one else. That no one else can touch or have, or alter, and control. It’s just mine. And i want it that way, I needed something that was just for me, between me and me. That was just for me. When things were bad. Kind of like a hiding place I could pour myself into. That was safe and without judgement. Even from my own self. I was allowed to let it out in this one place and there was no repercussion, and nothing wrong in it. 

01:56 Blanc: Well, I’ve been practicing reaching a flow state for many many years and am used to it
01:57 Blanc: it takes time to, play in that way but dont judge yourself while youre playing as a start and let your mind drift off
01:57 Blanc: just like turn off all the thoughts and just let it turn to imagery
01:57 Blanc: and then it should just come out naturally whatever you feel inside that you didnt even know you felt
01:57 Blanc: and it’ll be beautiful :)

^ it’s also a way for me to recognize my most internal self and what i genuinely felt but did not know i did. Like a way to dig out my most suppressed core self, or emotions, or whatever. That don’t have any use out in the world so they’re put away in some dark seed. And in the music it can come out and like, flourish. It just does it on its own, i don’t tell it to or force it. It just happens. 

And that in itself is extremely cathartic like therapy to dig that out and let it surface, and to process it emotionally. To have it be recognized. 

Otherwise i wouldn’t even know it was there, whatever thoughts and feelings that were in there buried beneath the surface. 

- and flow state, is a phenomenon where when someone is doing something they check out from all thought consciously. For some they can reach flow state while sailing or painting, or creative writing, etc. in music, in drawing. Whatever. But it’s believed that everyone has to have something that they achieve this state during, as a form of mental relaxation and catharsis. Like meditation almost but, it’s more deeply healing and envigorating than that even. Hard to explain. 

- also, I enjoy writing from a creative aspect, it fills up the empty feeling when I am depressed and the creativity and love of sound, imagery, sensory, the creation of music itself, is enough to sort of re-light the warmth inside myself that can be blown out like a candle by, depression. Going cold and empty isn’t fun, and feeling that way... like, just staring at nothing, it’s not, great like, you need a way to cope. So, it’s most def a coping mechanism for me and it’s important that I had that otherwise, I really don’t know what I would of done in some instances. It’s the only thing that is there always, and consistently fills the void. And allows me to express with accuracy, whatever it is that I am feeling and thinking- without words. Because sometimes there aren’t words that can get it across the way music can.