*face palm*
this was in the lesbian FAQ page but I will clarify
I dated guys in the past because I thought that's what I thought I was supposed to do and I had hopes for magically becoming bisexual if I just forced it somehow
but that never happened
when me and tryp started talking I hadn't dated a guy in over six years and like had already accepted I was fully gay at that point, and decided to stop dating guys all together because it just wasn't fair to them
like, there is something missing in all those relationships if that makes any sense. like I'm just not attracted to them, but I mistook caring for them or liking them as an individual as like, reason to be together but. once I experienced a genuine romantic connection and love for someone I realized how vastly different these dynamics were and I was in fact fully just gay.
but then tryp comes a long and we are just friends talking like everyday, and we were like "I don't want this to ever end" because we enjoyed talking and being around each other so much. once again I mistook this as like reason to be together but, it's just not going to magically change your sexual orientation just because you like being around somebody. and I mistook this for attraction when it just, wasn't fully there the way it should be... the way it is for me with girls.
it's hard to explain but there is so much more to attraction and a relationship than just liking someone for who they are or enjoying being around them. and as I've gotten older I've understood that clear distinction but obviously when you're. younger you're still figuring things out like this so that's why I seemed "confused" or "bi-curous/sexaully ambiguous"
but yeah uh... you just don't see what I'm experiencing or what I'm feeling in those relationships, or the quality of them and how they were. just because they were there doesn't mean they were good, or complete. or that I was happy. that I didn't masturbate to girls on the side and think about them constantly- even talk about them constantly.
it annoyed people I was with because I was clearly like in love with a girl and would just talk about her nonstop.
and also you didn't see what went on behind the scenes like, I didn't want the relationship to end because I enjoyed having him in my life as a person and being close like- on a level that wasn't physically intimate but was more uh... mind-connection-y? lol
and like I was really upset one night and I just started sobbing on the phone with him because I knew I couldn't do it and that I was still gay through and through and I literally honestly 100% admitted this to him. like I was very real and up front with him- contrary to how I was with other guys in the past. and I was like dude I'm so gay I can't do this it's not working.
but he was *sure* that because of the connection we had mentally that it could be there romantically and physically too that it would just take me time or something, as if I didn't trust him enough and that's why it just wasn't there.
I really believed him and tried my hardest, once again forcing myself. but he wasn't happy, I always needed my space. he said he was unhappy with the fact, we'd be sitting on the couch watching a movie and like 20 minutes into it I'd just get up and leave and go to bed in my own bed away from him. this wasn't just a once in a while thing, I did it every night.
like I never wanted to sleep in the same bed as him and I did this with my ex boyfriend before this that I lived with for some time, we had an apartment together to ourselves and I still wanted my own bed and slept in it away from him every night. because I didn't like to be touched. like I genuinely am like "get off of me" lol and just it grosses me out. but then with a girl its the opposite story im like clingy af. and after like being intimate in bed together (which never happened with me with guys- sad for them I know) (with girls I was like ready to fuck every fuckin day) I would cuddle all night long, all morning long- and want to skip breakfast just to lay there for hours together butt naked. but with a guy im like ew get away from me pls llo
at the end of the day- literally. I didn't even want to sleep in the same bed or be physically close. it's not anything against him, it's just like the feeling of two magnets going together that shouldn't bond and just refuse to. like, it just wasn't physically possible for me to have that attraction that was suppose to be there.
I had an ex boyfriend get mad at me because I never held his hand or kissed him. I had another boyfriend complain about never kissing him or wanting to hold hands as well and I just was like "oh I just don't like PDA its weird!!!" lol (lies). and he's like you don't even kiss me tho ever. and I was like my bad I forgot. FORGOT? lmfao if you can't remember to kiss your partner you shouldn't be with them lmfao
and I felt bad about that so I literally agreed to an open relationship at one point like, I really was trying to make it work like. oh maybe if another girl can just do all that sexy stuff for me then everything is fine!! right? then he'll be happy and so can I.
but then, you know as we started talking about girls to have threesomes with (lol) I mean I just found myself obviously only wanting to be with the girl, wanting the girl to myself, etc. I mean it's just like, obvious gay. It's just not how it's supposed to be like, you don't date someone and then only fuck girls in front of them. what kind of relationship is that lol it just doesn't make sense.
and he ended up cheating on me probably because he felt that disparity... I was just super distanced and like, he said it was obvious that like when I was trying to force myself to be sexual that is seemed forced or fake so it was just a turn off for him.
at the end of the day the attraction just isn't there and its unfortunate it is because I have met some great guys than any normal girl would be insanely happy with. I've gotten really lucky in life at times and had things handed to me that straight girls would describe as a dream relationship or a dream guy, hitting jack pot you know what I mean. but I didn't even care in the slightest, I didn't care about the same things straight girls care about
and I had to be real with myself like am I just doing this because I think a normal girl would or because I genuinely want to.
my desire to be a normal girl and to be straight for my very strict religious family is what drove me to try so hard about it like trust me I really gave it my absolute best fighting chance
but I can't be straight to save my life
my parents flat out disowned me at one point for being gay and I was living on the literal street like... I've been through hell just because of my stupid sexuality and a lot of gay people say oh if I could change it I wouldn't... but I literally would if I could. I so so would if I could just to be normal and just to have my family like me for who I am lmfao but.... it's not, fuckin, possible.
its just not there. its just not there. trust me.
a lot of people have a hard time grasping that but its seriously, not, ever going to be there. ok. just. lets just wrap our heads around that.
it took me years to really get it and to be ok with it so I can imagine anyone else it would take them twice as long because they're not even experiencing what I'm experiencing, they have to take my word for it and excuse all outside thoughts like "what if u magically turn straight one day" and random excuses like that. that's, a fairy tale ok. it aint happening. I promise.
hopefully one day you can believe me and really get it when I say I'm gay but, if you don't know what I feel then how can you possibly know. and it's just so difficult to describe but. just. trust me. lol im gay.
