Yeah I swim and take walks, and sometimes do the chloe ting challenge or yoga burn in the mornings depending on how heavy or light of a work out I want.
The fact that I’m only “well” half of the time is kinda, indication that there is still improvement to be done.
My therapist explained to me that treatment for depression the goal is to have less bouts of depression, with less frequency, and less duration, with less severity.
Right now, it’s literally every other week that I spend about a week in the hole.
And, I still have panic attacks/dissociate sometimes. I’ve kept a watchful eye of this and taken every measure you can think of to ensure effective treatment of the problem.
When I asked what is wrong with me, it was just after starting to come out of a bad “depression” week. I only had maybe one or two mild brief thoughts of suicide or self harm with this one so it wasn’t that severe. But I just felt, the effects of depression and how, depression feels. Generally. So it was kinda sucky.
So I was just coming out of feeling like that. Which isn’t fun. And on top of it, I had I think two or three nightmares in that week. And I have noticed a correlation with the nightmares and the depression, where I will have a nightmare during a “perfectly fine” period, and that is actually a warning indication that a “not perfectly fine aka bad depressed” period may be coming in the following days. Strange I know.
And then yeah the final nightmare that week just really got to me. I was sleeping *a lot* but was still tired. Slept like three days. And then like, yeah that final day of the bad week. I had like a major panic attack with dissociation which I explained in detail what happened in the “trauma and dissociation” thread i recently posted.
And that was rough, so I slept some more. And then slept another day or two or three. And then finally came out of the fog and feel better now.
And am in a “good period” or good week.
So, when i made the thread, “what is wrong with me” i was reflecting on the bad week I had.
Something about the depression, it doesn’t cause just fatigue and feeling yucky, it also, causes like, I believe, thought disturbances where my brain is very like conflicty and rambly but I’m not able to make like, clear judgement on these thoughts, but instead am just further confused in my responses to the thoughts, and so and so forth continually confusing, myself into shreds. Lol
it demolishes you from this inside out these thoughts do. You’re like oh whatever and just choose to stop thinking about it and just sleep instead because you dont’ know what to do in response. Because nothing fucking makes sense, and nothing is like, responding the right way anymore.
It’s like life is broken. You’re not responding right to anything like.... and you get lost in it. Even, your identity slips away from you. During it. You lose who you are and you start having thoughts like, ya know, maybe I should just end it. This is too confusing. And you hurt and cry about the same things, that, just a week ago you thought you had, started to manage better.
This is why when my doctor suggested cyclothymia, i was like. Hm, yeah I’ll.... maybe, think about considering it.
Because it’s literally every other week.
I also, coming out of the bad week, was really agitated for like a few days transitioning from the bad week to the good week. Like just, way too easily bothered and still wanting to isolate. Like noise was too much and i was more quick to anger about things that i normally would handle peacefully with level headed discretion, with kindness or understanding. I’d become volatile, impulsive, reactive. This angrier agitated side doesn’t make sense because like, i see myself in the same situations repeadetly, and one side, the agitated side reacts the way it does and on the other, normal me like, doesn’t at all and handles things well.
But of course, a lot of factors could go into explanation for all of this, and it could just be normal major depression as my current diagnosis is.
But yeah.................. lol. The, what is wrong with me thing was, a prompt for myself to reflect.
I’ve been meaning to reflect on the bad week for several days, but i just haven’t had the mental clarity to be able to until recently.
The title says it all
you might not ever know a satisfying answer but what you really (probably) need are better distractions from focusing on it. Mine is my boyfriend and it has distracted me very very well and I've noticed a lot of improvements in mental issues I used to struggle with. I'm still mentally ill but I'm not like miserably unbearably mentally ill so it's much more tolerable
I dont really believe in complete cures for serious mental illness, it's more that there are things like medication, therapy, and positive distractions that help the mentally ill become more functional and less stressed and overwhelmed with being mentally abnormal
last edit on
10/2/2020 12:55:18 AM
But in other news. So today was a good day.
I was happy and fine. I got dressed and actually looked half presentable (this is a real indicator of how good I’m doing or not doing)
I got dairy free milk and cheese finally and 0 cal no sugar sweetener that ive been wanting. For my coffee custom recipe i love
and, i got.... two makeup things I been wanting a long time that are super pretty n match my aesthetic goals for my vanity
and i got a phone case as well that allows the phone to charges on the dock so i dont have to take off the case everytime i wanna put it on that charging dock thing
and its super nice and i love it
then i took my dog for a walk.
I also socialized positively with my fam in the morning and ate lunch, a healthy balanced one and i got sleep the night before, no bad dreams, slept long enough with no interruption and woke up at 7. And didnt go back top sleep.
Spent the morning with my dogs outside and was drawing something I’m working on for my cousin
