I have these moments. Of pure impulsivity. I could do something really crazy that would end up hurting me during them. I gota keep them in check man. Or channel that inner fire somewhere. It's like a volcano ready to erupt. It would be pretty damn bad to have it erupt on the world. Maybe I just need to COOM in someone maybe that's it.
Though. Fantasy leads to planning, planning leads to action. And that's the scary thing about fantasy. Need to remove the undesirable from its roots. So how do I stop this urge to go absolutely bonkers? I genuinely do not know. It happens way more while I'm drunk than when I'm sober. Perhaps quitting that for good would help. But then I have to deal with pure boredom. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I'm fake tho. Very very fake. I don't really care. I'm just venting out random thoughts that I thought would sound good. Fake genuine-introspection. It's a lie I try to sell to myself right now. That I wanna do good. That I don't wanna go looney. A cope. Maybe I'm just scared of going looney and trying to justify it. That would not be a bad thing. Going looney is a very bad thing, much worse than anything I could shitpost online. So being scared of actually doing it, would be very desirable.
Like, right now. Boom. My care for the subject went from 10% to 0%. If I try to even imagine what I was on about and why, it doesn't resonate with me anymore. It did when I wrote it, but not now. Weird. Going looney seems way more appealing. Real life fun. Complete freedom. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Bash my head against the wall levels of bored. Stick a screwdriver through my head levels of tedium. Need some stimulation. And I outgrew my copes. They were harmless copes. If they devolve into more harmful ones, we gonna end up damn badly. What I'm saying here, to you fellow sociopaths, is that boredom is very bad. And I'm complaining about it.
Moments of elation, yes, I will do good, inspiration. Moments of nihilism, pure destructive impulse. And moments of boredom, long as they can be. I just alternate through those, and sit on my ass, and do nothing. Perhaps just a little bit of discipline would be good. Beneficial. Knocking some responsibility into my ass. But, I tried that already. Disciplined myself into 16 hour work days, and 8 hour work days with fun sprinkled in too. Neither was good. Neither was my thing. It got so, god, damn, boring. It's insane really. I got all that I worked for. Then wiped my ass with it because it was worthless. I always do this, with constructive fantasies. I fantasise, fantasise, succeed, but then. Bam, pure hollowness. I'm not even happy or proud I did it. It was just, a nice ride, but now it's over. Now I don't care anymore. All this shit? I didn't even want it in the first place.
Am I doomed to be stuck in this shit-ass cycle forever? Might as well go looney at some point. I still have hope though, I cling to it desperately. There are still ungrabbed ropes I could use to pull myself up with. But. After I get the rope, climb it, and reach the summit. I always am simply not happy with where I am, so what I do is, WHEEEEEE, throw myself back into the pit.
I'm in a pit now though. I need a new rope. All that jibber jabber about be happy with yourself and stoic and shit. That shit ain't gonna fly in a pit man. If you're in on a summit. Then yea. That shit could work. But not here, not in the pit. The pit is where you struggle or sink. And boy do I feel like struggling in the opposite direction. I've seen the summits. What's it like on the bottom of this pit? What if there are some undiscovered treasures underground? Exciting. Perhaps this is my new rope. But it's a bad rope, it leads down, not up.
Plus, I grabbed it, and pulled on it for a while. The results were deliciously disastrous. I kinda know though. This is the one rope that's final. When you're on a summit, it's easy to just let yourself fall. When you're in a pit you've been digging. Well, it's really, really hard to get out of it. So. To cease this shit, and find a rope going up, that would be a very ideal situation. But. I kinda wanna dig man. Dig dig dig dig. How bad can I make things be, how atrocious, how vile? A morbid curiosity that I really shouldn't satisfy. Pandora's box.
I am opening it little by little, and trying to not do it.
This has been my TED talk.