My mom is coming over tonight for a "talk" (mainly about money). GREAT.
And she wants me to prepare all the fuckin food.
My sister and her baby are coming too of course. So I have to cook a lot of food.
If I "order" it and it's not made fresh she will get mad.
I'm scared because she's probably going to confront me about being gay again.
My parents are "giving" but cruel. The hand that feeds me is the same hand that strangles my neck and pulls the rug out from under me, and keeps a very tight leash on me.
We can't just have casual discussions because my mom is extremely intense, direct, straight forward. Confrontational.
Both of my parents aren't considerate of ones, feelings and they generally have no empathy.
It's all about what they want and how they want it.
So I'm going to have to sit there and lie through my teeth, to please and appease them.
So that way I can negotiate *something* positive out of the ordeal for me personally.
If I don't do this I end up with nothing- because like I said, they don't consider my needs or wants. I have tp speak up and fight for these things it's not just handed to me so easily.
I do work hard for what is given to me and it requires a lot of manipulation and patience, and also squashing down all my emotions and needs as an individual to "calmly" discuss these matters and not walk away empty handed.
They don't have a personal relationship with me, it's just purely and strictly business. Financial.
My emotional needs aren't met by them and I'm not allowed to express them, but even if I did they wouldn't care or do anything about it.
So I have to prepare myself for a lot of callous indifference, hurt feelings, a lot of mean-ness and anger directed at me, and I have to prepare myself to hold it together and not react to the disrespect and the way I'm treated- in order to have a roof over my head essentially.
My parents hold me to an incredibly high standard as well. Nothing is ever good enough. Etc. They have a really depressing and toxic attitude, they're egocentric, and a bit delusional, and they are shallow, vain, and judgmental.
They assert their power over me in unfair ways, it's sort of cruel.
So yeah, this is going to be *fun*
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I'm worried that I'm going to get the rug pulled out from underneath me *constantly* and so I operate out of scarcity and it creates a lot of anxiety and stress for me that results in white knuckling and putting too much pressure on myself- without worrying or considering my own happiness or acknowledging the fact I am a human being. I put aside crucial fundamental things like developing my personal internal sense of identity or living my life as a social, young happy 20 something, and instead have to focus on, what's "more important"
My ultimate goal is to become completely financially independent so that I don't have to worry about my ties to these toxic controlling people who don't care about me in the way they should or treat me right. I want to live a life where I'm not constantly afraid of the rug getting pulled out from under me- because they didn't like a post I made on twitter or instagram- or the friends I talk to, or the way I dress.
I don't want to be hurt anymore by their cruelty and indifference, and I just want to get away from these kind of people.... it's hard to describe but, they are a "type." Unfortunately though, it's all I'm comfortable around and it ends up being what I'm drawn to because of it being a comfort zone.
Basically my parents are giving me money to invest and, my whole future kind of weighs on it? So it's just hard when changes come up and then suddenly my life gets pulled out from under me. So I really hope that this isn't what's happening.
I've worked so hard to get to this point with them so I just hate to see any regression.
But I'm just so over these lengthy discussions where I have to "pitch" myself to them like a business meeting, and prove to them I'm capable and prove to them I'm enough and worthy etc. It's exhausting and they're highly highly critical, highly doubtful of me, but at the same time place such expectations and so much weight on me.
I haven't told them but, I'm making it seem like I'm working toward a certain goal- but in reality that goal is a lie, and I'm just doing all of this to be in the financial place to buy a house in California and move away- and put a restraining order on them. Block them from my life, and cut all ties.
It's been the plan all along but it's a slow and gradual process. They don't realize that the way they are raising me is just training me to become a sociopath. I have a side to me now too that is equally as cruel and indifferent as they have treated me- despite being a nice person on the surface level. There is something underneath that is more ugly and I don't show anyone.
That is brutally honest, and bleak, black-pilled, and in my opinion kind of psychopathic or narcissistic.
And people can bring out this side in me and bring it to the front...
So I'm just trying to get away from that life where this "tougher" mean side to me isn't necessary anymore and, I don't need it to protect myself anymore. And I can just, live without it.
It's made me an incredibly strong person but at the same time, there is a portion of me that is weak and feels all of it and how much this hurts, how lonely it is, to be alone and the only person really on your own side, the only person fighting for yourself, the only person who understands yourself. And can feel how infuriating and frustrating it is, how hopeless it makes me feel, and depressed. How sad it leaves me, how empty it makes me.
As you can see it's toxic and unhealthy for me mentally so that's why I'm trying to get away from this as best I can.
But all of it requires money, money, money.
So yeah, I've made progress and I'm almost to the finish line with my "goal"... and I've had this goal since I was 4 years old. I packed up my shit and ran away.
And I've done it many times since then. For my tenth birthday I asked for a scooter because I wanted a vehicle that I could get on and go far away- that was faser than a bike. Eventually I learned though, it's better to work the system and play along for your own benefit and then run away with a wad of cash- than it is to run away with nothing.
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This is just the ugly truth. I'll be the first one to admit that just because life hasn't been perfect that doesn't make you a victim, and even if you have been a victim to something, that doesn't make you innocent. I will be the first one to admit all my flaws and mistakes, and so I write here the raw honest truth and my true thoughts- despite knowing it might make me look like a shitty person.
I know my intentions, but people are multi faceted. They're not all good and they're not all bad.
People put other people under a microscope and so everyone tries to hide their flaws, but I find power in admitting all of them and just being real about it.
