I am not capable of being whatever ideal you have in your head to of made me up to be
like I’m not, that.
You’re just projecting these ideas onto a whole person who is far from that but you’ve like formed by making assumptions and filling the gaps like
you think everything is going to be one way- but in reality- I’m not even an enjoyable person for you to be with, and we’re not compatible
especially because I’m gay.
You end up making yourself miserable by trying to force something with someone who doesn’t even want to show you the affection you crave. And never will.
Trust me when i say never.
Trust me when i say never.
Have you forgotten that night before Christmas, and that stoner dude you were showing off ?
i really don’t want to hear it! I’m annoyed by it,
And this is why they keep saying it
Trust me when i say never.
Have you forgotten that night before Christmas, and that stoner dude you were showing off ?
For the last time, the details of my sex life really shouldn’t be something i have to share to find validation in my sexuality
I didn’t have sex with either of these men, they wanted to, but i didn’t
hence why they didn’t work out- and never do.
I was hoping i could be biromantic or bisexual, but I’m just not.
And i found out the hard way ya know. It’s actually really common gay ppl are super good friends with someone and they think oh maybe this means i am bi after all! But then it doesn’t, mean that at all- not even close.
It’s easy to get swept away with the idea of something, and it takes wisdom and experience to know- for sure, like- who you are.
It would of been stupid not to give it a chance, but it just wasn’t for me.
It always ends the same way though. Me having to tell this great friend of mine, that I don’t want to be with them sexually, and want to be with a girl.
Ive had to tell so many guys this, and it does crush me a bit to tell them because sometimes theyre really great guys, they often blame themselves or, thinki they weren’t good enough, and the fact i dont want them in that way drives them away from me and, none of them are really the same level of friend as they were before
it just gets awkward like, this one friend kept telling me he loved me and like we’re just standing in this parking lot smoking behind a coffee shop and I’m just like.,... um.,. Fuck. Man. I love you as a friend you know that.
But i can see it just ripping him apart inside as i say that and hes like i gotta go,... and I’m like :(
JUST BE FRIENDS WITH ME IM SORRY IM GAY BUT I LIKE FRIENDS :( lol
we can have a really good time i swear but i just dont wanna do the nasty with you I’m sorry and i never will i promise with my whole heart.
LOL like, with my relationship with tryp, i was really hoping those feelings would come but they just never did. (And they never do) and he like, tried to make a move on me (this was after i had a breakdown and started crying on the phone calling him telling him i can’t do this because I’m gay) and i just started crying as soon as he did that instead of being turned on i just like couldn’t stop crying lol
and i have no idea why.
And like the other guy that was staying in my house we were doing favors for each other and like, i liked our relationship because we had a great connection and had so much fun together but its like we were best friends. We never really properly did couple stuff, even when our attempts at kisses were very awkward and brief. I felt so, awkward. Its hard to describe but it just doesn’t feel right.
And I find myself avoiding, physical contact of all sorts, when I’m in these “situation ships” I’ve “tried my hand at” an it just doesnt work out
theyre like, “how come u never kiss me”. “Why dont u wanna hold my hand” I’ve gotten that one a lot. “Do you just not want to have sex with me”
the only reason i agreed to make things work with tryp and it lasted more than 2 seconds is because i was able to be honest with him about my feelings toward girls and it didnt scare him away and he was accepting and was like yo lets just do threesomes and u can be poly or whatever I’m poly too (i swear to god he said this but he claims he didnt)
But the truth is, tho our connection was great and wanted to keep it going and had a very enjoyable time with him, I’m not sexually physically attracted to men so it wasn’t fuckin working. Sad. It was sad, for me. But i just genuinely wanted to be with a girl so badly, i wanted to seek out relationships with girls, while we were together, and we had to agree to make room for it, and to let me do that and I’m like man this doesnt make any sense a girl I’m dating isnt gonna be cool with me being poly lmao
and like, i wanted to be fully dedicated to that relationship with that girl and it took priority for me in every facet over tryp and its sad to say that. But like, i can’t lie to myself, that was the truth
And this whole scenario happened already before when i was 19 and tried to be with a guy, and i ended up calling this girl all the time and left the goddamn country to go be with her she was all i could think about
when i was with a guy, i had to sleep in my own bed, i never had sex with him, and all i thought about was girls and like wanted to be alone
And in high school i was just going through the motions doing what i was supposed to do and appearing how I’m supposed to look like, but then knowing i was gay, i went to a party to flirt with girls and like, thats what i really cared about was hooking up with girls
i once went on a double date with a girl just not to make it obvious i liked her, but really i just wanted to spend time with her not the dude. And we ended up ditching our dates, cuz i left to smoke behind a dumpster really fast and she followed me out and was like lemme come with u and we ended up making out and like having a whole ass fling and
yeah there was a lot of that going on like under the table kind of stuff for me in high school
its hard to explain to someone who isnt in ur shoes but just take my word for it when i say, all the feelings, u feeel toward ur crushes and significant others, and spouses- are how i feel toward girls., its deeply meaningful, and real, and important. And then how you feel about the same sex, which is pretty much a big fat nothing, is how i feel toward the opposite sex
Because I’m fucking gay man. Ur welcome. Have a nice day lol
