Fuck
so I because I haven’t been journaling on here like I normally do because the criticism has been too annoying for just me venting
I have no where to vent to
and my coping me chime is gone
within a week I got depressed and started getting out of control
venting about trauma to my girlfriend (which I never do) and it just started spilling over into every area of my life and essentially torturing me!
me I need this
I really do
without it I literally implode
so after just aneeek or two of not journaling and haven given it up
dear god in heaven
I exploded
this happened I realize now because I hadn’t been thinking things through before I talked like I do for hours on end journaling
AND I SAID A BUNCH OF SHIT AND IT RESULTED IN MY OWN DEFICIT OR HARM
okay. So I was trying to fix things
I forgot the amazingly wonderful advice my therapist gave me which was to NOT do that and to not get wrapped up in it (home shit) and uh, not try to fix ur parents and make them who you want them to be etc and like just let it go fulfill your own needs become whole heal move on just ducking don’t let it get it to u and don’t get wrapped up in it and don’t do that u need to have boundaries
and i forgot mine for a second cuz I’m here for a month now like u... slip backwards and forget the new way for the old one easily when ur back in the same old environment the old mind set comes with it so quick
and shit did start to get to me at home (cuz I’m here constantly) and it wound up being me
talking to my parents saying what was on my mind and being really direct (mistake) and honest (mistake) and then it literally didn’t help the situation at all even tho all I was trying to do was help it just caused more fighting to ensue we got no where and then my mom got really emotional and depressed and started talking about shit about me again behind my back
as she always did
i ran off to bed after realizing I made a horrible mistake for opening my mouth and the conversation reached a brick wall we got no where
absolutely no where
and I hear her talking about me in the other room and whispering lien trying to keep their voices down but idk exactly what it was about but
it gave me the inclination she went through my messages with my girlfriend or my secret blog I have or something like I don’t know
I don’t know what she’s thought or seen or what was going on but she was making gossipy speculations about me
and I’m just scared and had like a ptsd reaction to that because back in the day things would follow this pattern
I open my mouth and the attention gets back on me for a sec and it backfired because then all of that crazy gets deflected straight into me like ungodly sun and just burning me a live
where as I normally lurk in the shadows under the radar intentionally
They’re both crazy in their own way and when it gets together it’s lethal for me, their child
because what they will do... the chaos of accusations and arguing and screaming at me and punishing me (which I’m very fearful of may ensue soon now) is too much for me to bear anymore.
I used to be tougher to it all and like numb but yeah over the years my nerves just riddles down to nothing and I just can’t take it anymore so the slightest thing just
makes me really upset and sends my mind into a really bad place and it’s not good!
me and the punishment is really fucking scary and there is no escape
especially with there being corona
like as soon as I hear the gossip that’s my signal to wipe the hard drives hide everything destroy it etc and get out ASAP and disappear
but I can’t go anywhere now without risking getting corona
and who the fuck am I going to call if shit hits the fan (like it had before) and the situation is bad
and just my mind goes back to bad places
but *deep breaths* that’s probably not happening and everything will be fine......... hopefully
