A bad day in quarantine - 1 - Sociopath Community

I was super depressed last night and having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of substance use to escape the torture of depression :P

and so i watched a movie that would keep my interest, and then forced myself to take a shower

i couldn’t sleep despite feeling a heavy weight and... um... i just stopped responding to ppl I normally text

I vented a bit to someone random on the internet and determined it might be time to continue more therapy and trauma group in order to uh...... move forward like, I’ve been doing slightly better at lately.

I just started going back into that mind set of like :’(

and its paralyzing like u just wanna stand still and not do anything anymore but you have to... try. Put one foot in front of the other. I dunno. You just have to try.

Um.. but yeah I’m still kinda down today, not suicidal like i was last night, i guess because i felt hopeful about continuing recovery now after talkign with someone last night and determined that’s what i should do. About all of it.

I just hate myself sometimes and its hard to like, get out of that mind set.

Talking about it does help sometimes though, and. Yeah when I’m like losing interest in everything there’s still music even if i barely care abotu it, or it’s frustrating and i have no motivation to write and hate everything i write i just do it anyway and let it suck and let it all come out horrible

because creating something out of nothing is better than just sitting there in the nothing and letting it consume you

but yeah um........ the reason I’m having a hard time, i dont really know why. These things just seem to come out of no where but, in reality there is a series of like triggers and thought patterns that take place leading up to the bout of depression more than likely, and behaviors and warning signs and i just, don’t always see them or- think “i can handle it” and “it’s fine.”

So it was likely just a series of triggers... that wound me up in this funky place.

I just wanna escape it by like, doing drugs or harming myself but, i know ya know- thats not, a solution. Though it’s always tempting.

Dealing with addiction when you also have mental illness is like trying to walk through a mine field.

Sometimes shit just blows up in your face and I’ve gotten used to that. Being a part of my regular life.

Like, i[m not surprised anymore. I dont make a big deal of it. Because it just happens like, there are bad days man. And they come and then, i get myself out of it somehow, everytime.

Could be cyclothymic like my psychiatrist suggested but, either way who cares what its’ called. I just wish i had the right meds to make this not happen. Cuz its insufferable when bouts of this do come.