I feel trapped, this whole corona shit has made things worse, to the point where I can't even get a job and save up money, because I was going to potentially split rent with a college friend and live off campus, but it would see the opportunity to go back to college is also slim, because of this pandemic.
My family doesn't want me to move out or live on my own, they'd rather me be with them forever, they make me do menial tasks like come out of my room to get them a glass of soda or something as pathetic as that.
However, they also try to spoil me from time to time.
The problem is I know I'm fucking stupid, and I probably couldn't live on my own even if I got the chance, I'll have to wait a few years, but it's still driving me insane, and I get thoughts of harming my family.
I got a friend a few hours away from me I'd rather go move and live by.
My mom's vision is that the task of taking care of my mentally disabled sister will be dumped unto me and my brothers. I don't care for my sister, I don't care for my family, I don't feel any love or affection towards them, I am just different from them, and I would rather go be my own person, and be self-sufficient.
I've tried bonding with them, I'd like to learn things like cooking, but that requires going in there, or potentially trying to learn from them, and whenever I try, they tend to annoy me to the point where I just want to get out.
It's hard for me to study and try to expand my knowledge, my family distract me, and because all I do really is stay in my room on this computer, trying to set up a schedule is hard whenever I get distracted.
Perhaps this is all my fault, and I need to somehow improve myself and adapt, but I don't know where to start, because it seems like no matter how much I may try, I always end up back at square one.
I don't want to harm my family, I just want to move out, live my own life, and cut ties.
A friend of mine's family asked him to move out, and is currently helping him find a place to stay, and would pay everything except utilities.
I hate this concept because they want me here, but I also feel like a parasite by being here. I feel pathetic for being here, as if I'm inferior.
I may be only turning 20, but still I crave independence.
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I don't even like commenting on this site, it makes me feel as if it reinforces how bad of a person I am, or how pathetic, I am, but I have no where else to put these thoughts, I can't even keep a journal, because of how disorganized, and how much little space I have, and I know my family would mock me for such and even try to read it.
I shouldn't have to spill my thoughts on a site called "sociopathcommunity.com" I shouldn't even be here. I don't fit in here. I'm not a sociopath, I'm not a psychopath.
last edit on
4/18/2020 1:06:51 AM
I'm not asking for help, I am just spilling my thoughts here.
I have no where else to put it, unless I decide to make a text document where I just put all my thoughts into, but that doesn't even have the format like a journal. I guess the only thing I could ask is if there is anything like an online journal? but even then I question my faith in such a thing not to be used against me.
I just have sort of a paranoia, and I don't know where else to shove these thoughts, I don't even outline everything here, because of fear since it's still on the internet no matter what.
I feel trapped, this whole corona shit has made things worse, to the point where I can't even get a job and save up money, because I was going to potentially split rent with a college friend and live off campus, but it would see the opportunity to go back to college is also slim, because of this pandemic.
My family doesn't want me to move out or live on my own, they'd rather me be with them forever, they make me do menial tasks like come out of my room to get them a glass of soda or something as pathetic as that.
However, they also try to spoil me from time to time.
The problem is I know I'm fucking stupid, and I probably couldn't live on my own even if I got the chance, I'll have to wait a few years, but it's still driving me insane, and I get thoughts of harming my family.
I got a friend a few hours away from me I'd rather go move and live by.
My mom's vision is that the task of taking care of my mentally disabled sister will be dumped unto me and my brothers. I don't care for my sister, I don't care for my family, I don't feel any love or affection towards them, I am just different from them, and I would rather go be my own person, and be self-sufficient.
I've tried bonding with them, I'd like to learn things like cooking, but that requires going in there, or potentially trying to learn from them, and whenever I try, they tend to annoy me to the point where I just want to get out.
It's hard for me to study and try to expand my knowledge, my family distract me, and because all I do really is stay in my room on this computer, trying to set up a schedule is hard whenever I get distracted.
Perhaps this is all my fault, and I need to somehow improve myself and adapt, but I don't know where to start, because it seems like no matter how much I may try, I always end up back at square one.
I don't want to harm my family, I just want to move out, live my own life, and cut ties.
A friend of mine's family asked him to move out, and is currently helping him find a place to stay, and would pay everything except utilities.
I hate this concept because they want me here, but I also feel like a parasite by being here. I feel pathetic for being here, as if I'm inferior.
I may be only turning 20, but still I crave independence.
if you feel like a parasite, you probably are. maybe you should contribute more and be a better room mate.
i have been doing archery to get outside and have some fun. im trying to take this corona virus thing positive. get out in nature and do something by yourself.
9
posts