Sociopath Community

Something I get that’s kind of odd is sometimes I get weird parts of my body that for no reason, feel very sensitive almost as if someone has been rubbing it with sand paper for hours. But there is no visible or textural differences. 

It occurs in random spots. I’ve been calling it, “skin sensitivity.” I have no idea the cause, it seems very random, and it could last, a day or two, maybe a little longer but that’s it. And it starts as randomly as the hiccups. 

It’s to a point where, wearing clothing, over that “raw” feeling area hurts- and when clothing brushes it, it’s like steering pain. Hot water, cold water, soap, nothing relieves it. It doesn’t feel hot, it’s just, painful. It literally feels like, if I looked there, I should see, a huge open wound on the top layer of my skin. It feels like someone scraped it off with sand paper. 

But then you look at, nothing there. It’s, excruciating and aggravating. When it happens I just choose to lay in bed and try not to move. 

It usually occurs on the upper abdomen on the sides of my rib cage, under my under arms, or on my back side of my rib cage. Sometimes the arms. 

Another weird thing, is sometimes when I’m falling asleep, it’s like, my thoughts start becoming very jumbled and make no literal fucking sense- and sometimes will be not even *in reality* but, when I am “having these thoughts” at the time... it makes sense, like I know what my brain is trying to say or accomplish but- it just can’t- get there. Or the non-reality, during this scene happening in my head, I think it is reality. Like a dream state. And then I come out of it a bit, and I’m like, wait- why was I thinking about that as if it was reality, that’s not even real. 

OR it could also be a pure jumble of words or non-words that is completely incoherent as I’m trying to fall asleep, and it’s like I can’t think straight or form sentences in my head anymore what so ever- and if I go to try and form any words- which are sparse, they, are, the wrong ones for the thing I was trying to describe. 

So like, for example I’m trying to think to myself, “You need to put water in the dogs bowl in the morning.” 

But what it will be like is- “...... aquifer...bow tie.... cold .... daffogill.... no- daffo-.... daff...gaf... ta-? (Trying to say trash)... .... ta..... gggzzzz” 

*falls asleep* 

LOL? And it’s just concerning to me when I’m unable to “reach” the words I want to reach. It’s like word soup, in my own head. And it’s kind of frustrating but, it’s just because I need to go to sleep and I’m very confused from exhaustion lol 

It’s like, I want to say the word watermelon, but then I think, the word, “gelatin” and I’m like no. “Gela-.... gela.... gosh whats that word..... broom? Bratwurst? Hug tie.... donkey... chillin... Malone post Malone.... post Malone... no... (trying to say watermelon).... postmalone...” 

Or sometimes when I”m like *really asleep* I actually don’t even know what I’m trying to say, and my brain is just giving me random words I didn’t even ask for or want to say, I’m trying to fall asleep but in this like 30 second window before I’m completely out, my brain is like misfiring and giving me things in the dark void very randomly like lightning going off and its kind of annoying? I’m like u,m.. can you shut up? 

It’s like complete darkness and silence and fading to black, but during that theres bits of lightning in the form of words and they’re being *said* and i can *hear* them, which is unusual because during my normal thinking I don’t *hear* words like this. But they’re saying random things- sometimes, in other voices depending on how exhausted and confused I am. Sometimes even other noises are happening, or I will believe something is happening that isn’t happening- 

Like I think I heard a helicopter or, someone is standing in my window, and then I get up and look outside and no one is there. But in my very confused dream state I thought, it was there, in my no reality, reality-like, dream- that I had, while still being awake but falling asleep. Like, micro dreams. Before the actual REM cycle starts. These sometimes are impacted or formed around sounds I’m hearing in the real world, or things that were happening in my real life at the time or, at any previous time, or things I’ve thought about happening. So it can get very realistic and confusing. 

and lastly an example of the non-reality shit, it’s very bizarre and makes absolutely no sense but, it’s like... a scene, that you’re dreaming up in this micro-dream state (lasts like seconds to minutes probably) before you come out of it and go, what the fuck was I thinking? But when you’re in it- you think it’s completely real, as your conscious self. Sort of like being Lucid, and dreaming. But you have no control over the dream state, not as much anyway, but you do have your own conscious thoughts still going, and you can *think* about whats happening- but the thoughts are very confused- like, nonsensical, dream logic thoughts... it’s all a bit of a fog when you come out of it, like trying to remember it- and how it all made sense. But, at the time- it all connected and flowed seamlessly and made perfect sense all together as to why it was all occurring that way it was. 

It will be like, very rapid pace of shifting, and molding from the next scene to the next scene right before your eyes like- in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind where he’s running through the house and suddenly theres a flood in one room and he looks out a window and suddenly its dark outside and then he goes into another room and its dark and then you look to the floor and start falling into it and then there’s glass on your hands and the glass is breaking and the glass behind yhou on the wall is breaking and then you’re rolling inside of a tube and then and then and then and then etc. etc. etc. it just, all makes absolutely no sense. It’s like rapid camera shifting around vision too its like, you look over there- you see a man standing in the corner saying something to you and then you talk back tot hem and then you open a closet and then theres a room inside there and oh its the queen of England in there laying on her death bed oh and you’re talking to her cat which she apparently has and the paintings are watching you with their eyes and then security is coming to kill you and you jump out a window and then you’re grabbing onto ribbons falling in the air and then you’re 800 feet in the air dangling from a sky scraper and someone is leaning over the edge looking at you and then you look down realize you weren’t really 800 feet in the air there is ground like 2 inches below you and you’re like oh- didn’t see that. And you get down and walk over to a tree and eat some sandwiches out of a picnic basket and suddenly the peanut butter turns to sand and the juice you were drinking turns to wine and you realize you’re now drunk and buzzed and you can’t walk straight and you’re apologizing to your ex girlfriend who is now standing by the tree you were sitting under and then it starts raining and the floor is filling up with water and its getting cold and you can feel your feet going numb and the rain gets thicker and you get out your cell phone all wet and call your dad and he tells you that 800 million people are going to die in Tokyo because of a nuclear bomb and you then hang up the phone and try to call someone else and then you’re getting in a taxi and you find a cigarette in the crack of the seat and decide to smoke it but you have no lighter so you ask for one and then someone else gets in the taxi with you and you decide to get out because you dont like strangers and suddenly you’re in Paris and you’re talking to a man holding a baguette who is asking you how much it costs and you dont’ know the price and he is getting angrier and angrier with you for not knowing the price and you’re apologizing profusely but its no use- 

and then you start to come out of it like, “oh i need to google the price of a baguette- and convert is from US dollars to-.. wait... then I need to download the conversion app because I’m in Paris why don’t I already have that app-.. wait.... where am i... where do i live in Paris why am I here.... was I studying abroad... no I wasn’t studying abroad.... was i?-.... where’d that man go- oh... *opens my eyes* oh..... that was a dream... oh okay. Oh... yeah. Reality. Right. Got it. .... what year is it? Mmmsshphhhh i don’t know anymore i can’t think straight.... night night.” Lol *falls asleep* 

When I’m sleep deprived i make excessive typos 

But yeah the whole point of that long winded post about word soup and confusion, was to mention the fact that if I don’t take my meds for a while that starts happening to me more in regular life- not just when I’m trying to fall asleep. 

It’s one of the reasons I struggle to function without them. Is, I actually struggle to form sentences and communicate for some reason, when I’ve been off the meds for a while. But these episodes are more rare, it’s not a garunteed thing to happen if I go off the meds cold turkey. I once went 30 days off them with no problems, and no side effects. 

Other times, I forget for one day, and I’m having a melt down, or a panic attack, or can’t control my anger, or having a manic level of energy and pressured speech and talking way too much- can’t calm down, can’t sit still, etc- all these ideas and energy but none of the focus to execute or communicate any of them effectively at all 

But yeah so, that’s one of the reasons to believe my psychiatrist when she said I am cyclothymic because there have been times where I have that pressured speech, and my thoughts are firing so fast I can’t hold onto them. (Mainly only happens off the meds). 

But, it’s like I’m talking on the phone with someone. And while they’re talking, I have 35 ideas of things to say or thinking about in the background, but they fire so rapidly and onto the next its like milliseconds and they don’t stay in my mind permanently so by the time it’s time for me to communicate the first idea, I might start trying to explain it- start to make no sense as I lose my train of thought completely, forget what I’m talking about- and lose the ability to remember the idea all together. During which I get kind of frustrated or start laughing to myself- or, just trail off and go silent for a second while my brain is like flashing tons and tons of rapid information and visual imagery in front of me. And the other person is like I’m not really.... getting where you’re coming from... and I’m like... *pressured speech* “No, it’s just, I had this idea and it was this thing but I just can’t remember it but JUST GIVE ME A SECOND I WILL REMEMBER IT I JUST, oh yeah and also, i wanna make Banana bread and we should go to the movies! I need to get flour.... my mom told me yesterday I suck at cooking but I want to make banana bread fuck that hahaha hey! Look a cloud that looks like a turtle- no wait, it looks like a cats face. Oh, and tomororow I have an appointment don’t let me forget. Yeah we’ve been talking about- *goes on a tangent*. Anyways- what were we talking about? I forgot.” 

it’s like gold fish brain to the extreme, i really can’t think straight at all and like- I’m *aware* that it’s not making sense and jumping around a lot but I can’t control it. 

It feels like if my thoughts were on a wheel, most people’s wheels move around and around at a rate of like 6 revolutions per 15-30 minutes, and mine is having like 800 revolutions per 60 seconds 

And I’m just grabbing onto random things whatever I can get pretty much, it’s very random. OFf the wheel. That’s spinning so fast- you can’t even make out everything on there clearly. You’re just like oh- oh- is that- is that a- no, I can’t tell. *sticks hand in and pulls out a thought about alligators* lol and its just like my brain is just grabbing whatever it can and pulling it out for me to consciously talk about- 

and on top of that- i have no ability to like *not* say it. When I’m having these episodes like, I say *everything* there is no filter and it’s very pressured because I’m trying to get it alll ou it as fast as i can so i can keep up with the manic pace of thoughts as they occur- before they’re gone and forgotten very quickly fading...

and i get quite agitated during this- like I could easily start getting angry because I’m frustrated with myself, and frustrated with whoever I’m talking to for no reason- no rational logical reason anyway

or become like, slap happy and joking around an excessive amount- or i become very exuberant like, life of the party suddenly- and everyone’s having a good time and laughing at all these jokes I’m cracking and we’re all telling stories and it’s like, a booming vibrant exciting conversation that I’m carrying- whi8ch normally i don’t have the ability to do but at the time I’m like a social extrovert with very sharp conversation skills and wit 

 The word soup confusion can happen mildly while having these episodes, in any of these various states. Whether I’m angry, exuberant and socializing, joking around and being hyper and adventurous, or talking excessively and having lots of ideas. It’s the same thing as the confused dream state of exhaustion, where I can’t reach the words I want to say, I can’t think of them or dictate them even though I’m thinking hot dog, the word “umbrella” comes to mind and I get frustrated like no- whats that word- not umbrella. Ah yes- umbrella. NO not UMBRELLA DAMMIT. .... I WANTED TO SAY- UMBRELLA. NO- NO NO, NOT UMBRELLA- UMBRELLAAAA. BNOOOOOOOOOO AH FUCK NEVER MIND MOVING ON. Lol and i have that going on in my internal thoughts as well like while having a social event I’m thinking in my head about things but there are holes in the thoughts and I’m unable to obtain certain words. Though I vaguely know about the idea of them. It’s like, “oh i can tell Sarah about this new vanity” but instead of vanity being there it’s an empty space- and i just think.... whats that thing, thats like a table.... and has legs. It has, stuff on it. The stuff with the, stuff. Dammit. *moves on in my thoughts to another thought that is also like Swiss cheese*. And thats happening in the background in my thoughts all the time- i just say the ones that Have the ability to make sense. 

And then it goes a step further than that and I can start getting, like probably a mixed episode of anxiety, depression, dissociation all at once and thats when my mental health has like gone from “high gear” to like, “highest possible tier” aka the worst... point. And that can get really really scary. I end up hospitalized during these “worst points” or needing to take benzos and sleep it off. 

I wake up screaming shaking or sweating a lot

sometimes gasping for air or choking lol

Or freeling drunk ?? And shivering sometimes for no reasons like feeling excessively cold to a point of numbness and i have to take a hot shower to get right again. Think that may be anemia and blood pressure related. Sugar and coffee helps too.

or rocking inconrtrollably 

the rocking thing happens when falling asleep too but about a year or two into meds and psychiatric treatment stopped 

so doesnt happen anymore thankfully

used to have RLS as well really severe and the jumpies gitteries at night could never sit still and just go to sleep, had anxiety very bad at night but since meds has stopped 

 Used to find it impossible to relax to an extreme degree, but would also have extreme depressive episodes. With meds and time and psych treatment the inability to relax improved over time.

and the frequency severity and duration of depressive episodes has improved verrrrry very slowly.