Sociopath Community

February 9, 2011 - Super Bowl Ad Rundown: My obligatory take on a number of Super Bowl ads, and how I'd have made them better:

Doritos: Best Part – Some freak sucking Doritos cheese off coworkers' fingers and having orgasms. Don't get it. The guy seems to have a pretty decent job, and a bag of Doritos costs like, 75 cents. Buy a bag.

Would've been much better if: The guy's male coworkers dipped their penises in Doritos cheese, then laughed as this poor, sick freak washed their dicks clean with his tongue through tortured sobs, unable to stop himself.

Chevy Cruze (+ Facebook) – After kissing his first date goodnight, a young man immediately checks his Facebook page – implanted in his car's rearview mirror – to discover the girl logged on her own account within two milliseconds of the date being over to give him a favorable review. Good Lord.

Would've been much better if: The Chevy Cruze the guy was operating while staring at his Facebook page in his rearview mirror ran over Mark Zuckerberg, then straight into a brick wall.

Best Buy: Ozzy vs. Bieber - Its easy to point to a combination of age and his rapacious, calculating wife as the causes for Ozzy turning into such a douche bag, but the fact is, he always kind of sucked. The only real difference between Ozzy and my grandpa who thinks he's an astronaut living in the year 1963 is my grandfather never lucked his way into being the front man for one of the most famous metal bands of all time.

Would've been much better if: 150 million people were made to say in unison, "Who are these two people I’ve never seen or heard of before in my life?"

PepsiMAX: Love Hurts – Airing with 13:12 seconds left in the first quarter, Pepsi misses the record for quickest crotch-shot ad by fifty-five seconds. Maybe if the Steelers had thrown it more on their opening three-and-out...

Would've been much better if: The man getting hit in the nuts was really hit in the nuts, only instead of being some guy it was Pepsi Co.'s chief executive of sales and marketing, and instead of getting hit with a Pepsi can it was giant barn shovel.

Budweiser: Wild West – Rugged, implicitly violent outlaw drinks Bud, reinforces gay cowboy stereotypes by breaking into Elton John song.

Would've been much better if: the character was flamingly gay, only to morph into a Slayer shrieking neanderthal after chugging a Pabst Blue Ribbon.