This is what she said it most like,y is. And yeah they gave me the vraylar coypled with mood stabilizer and therapy
if u listen to this i go oh shit yeah that’s totally me
This would explain why sometimes i write for 9 pages on sc and am. Notorious for it, and then other times I’m too depressed to bother- and just can’t, find the motivation to write.
Before i was put on lexapro it was far worse, the mood swingingness and instability. Like it would change every 2 hours. And on the lexapro its like week to week average. Obviously not perfectly organized like “oh todays the 2nd Monday of the month time to be depressed for exactly 7 days.” But it just goes up and down like that across a month instead of up and down acrosss a day.
When everything was at its worst before i got any psych help, i also would become semi-delusional or like, write or talk about things that didn’t make sense. And draw conclusions from things that were wild, expansive, and just, the line of the logic was flawed and, idk why i was concerning myself with such strange things. And I’d rant about it, or write things down that, were incoherent because i was talking and writing so fast.
pressured speech for sure. And I’d just talk and talk about my wild ideas that made no sense, and I’m like basically off my head.
And then after that i get all depressed like not even 40 minutes later and cry because the shit i write was stupid and made no sense or i am ashamed of what i talked about and how i sounded absolutely crazy. Or i cant even remember what i was on about so passionately.
But yeah i mainly just would look back at things i did or said, or wrote like, with shame for how insane it was. And i thunk to myself “I’ll never do that again”
and I’ve learned to like isolate myself when i know I’m doing things i will later be ashamed of and i try to contain it like keeping it to myself. My manic ideas and notes, and my depressive swings that i know wont last.
In the moment, if i said the things I thought you’d think i was going to kill myself in the near future if things continued on that way.
But then a week later I’m fine. And I’m like “oh that was stupid why did i want to die? Everythings fine. I;ll just try to stay fine so that doesn’t happen anymore. I can will it away right”
and then, it still comes. And it got to the point where I’m questioning like, what am i doing wrong. But it’s not me, it’s not my life, I’m not missing something.
It’s just a disorder. Up and down. I hide it really well as best i can but, keeping it all to yourself is kind of dangerous and lethal so thats why i let it all out in therapy. The instability i dont want others to see, or be concerned about, or judge me for. When i dont even understand it or have a grip on it myself.
I didnt understand why i can go into therapy one week and say everythings fine, and then have a depressive episode between then and there, and then return the next week and then be fine again. They miss the episodes, sometimes. But when a visit falls on an episode, theyre very deeply concerned. But then, i visit again- oh and look at that. Its’ gone away.
I talk about the horrendous week i had, but they just go, “well everything seems fine now, cya next week.” And assume I’m fine.
Leaving me to it to lose my mind, isolate myself and continue withdrawing from the things i can’t participate in, and hiding myself, in order to manage my instability. I know very well my bursts of insane energy never last, when they happen I’m like “oh it’s a hyper day, I’m gonna gets lots done while i can, this will probably only last a day.” And then a depressive episode i just ride it out laying in bed and figure, “this will probably go away in three days and i can forget it happened.”
And this happens, over, and over, and over again, in a rapid cycling fashion. It never stops. I’ve been like this for a very long time. I dont get a break from it.
It’s crushed my school life, because i really struggle to do things consistently... i blamed myself for that, like it was some character defect or something i just needed to work on but, i know very well i will fail, if i go to school again, and thats why i haven’t. Because a depressivre episode hits and i dont show up. A manic episode comes and i figure, “meh, who needs school- I’m just gonna go do other shit! Weeee shopping.”
And I’m like oh I’m just irresponsible... you know my spending habits. I don’t understand why i can’t stop doing that. I tell people that’s it, not going to do it again. And then , i inevitably do... and its hundreds of dollars at a time.
I dunno, could def be cyclothymic... also i had weird psychotic symptoms as a child that I’ve never been able to make sense of why they were there. This is when i had my most extreme like delusions and such, which luckily went away with time.
But like, i thought the fucking clock was talking to me. Not verbally but like, communicating. With time stamps. Every time i woke up in the middle of the night i would write down the times in a sheet, and then i thought the numbers all represented a code which made a message. I dont know what entity was speaking to me through a clock but, i thought it was like aliens or, something that made reality no longer as real as it seemed, something from some far off place that i belonged to and wanted to communicate with me? Time travel?
I was obsessed with space and time travel because of this, and aliens. And talked obsessively about mars and came up with wild theories... tying together information loosely and drawing my own conclusions and bothering people about it in my family that were close to me.
This is before i could recognize this looks crazy, and because I was a kid i got away with it. But, as i aged i sort of keep it all inside and was like, “ur being crazy again- so don’t say this out loud but- what if fucking George Washington was a reptile” or something really absurd like that.
At the time it always makes sense, and then later i’m like, “why did i think that? That’s so stupid lol. Obviously rediculous.”
And i just go back and forth like that. Other delusions i had as a child, i thought i was in a lab experiment. Yeah. That was fun.
So I think those were mild episodes of psychosis which luckily i don’t think i experience anymore but.
Yeah. I still have some wild shit that’s gone on over the years, just, not quite that blatant as that time when i was like 13 or 14.
You will spend the rest of your life trying to figure out "what's wrong with you".
I just went in for a routine check in with the doc and they were like yo I think you have this.
I didn’t bring it up or say anything was wrong, they’ve just been monitoring me for three year now and they made the decision to present the idea to me that, they believe i have bipolar.
it’s based on way way more than me just going “whats wrong with me.”
i didn’t even beg that question- they’d been doing all the analysis without me realizing it. What i thought were routine visits and check ins, and the questions they’d ask me, etc. i thought it was all just, ya know. How it goes.
But they were, realizing it themselves as a professional and it was their idea to present it to me.
I wasn’t wondering what was wrong with me, i was wondering what i was doing wrong as to why my depression kept coming back repeadetly. Like that i needed to continue treatment and try to get it to stop doing that.
they think the reason, i did so well on the time i took abilify is because, yeah. cyclothymic. But yeah i said i didnt wanna take abilify because it had negative side effects for me so they gave me something else.
I mean this diagnosis would explain a lot, if it's accurate but-
most importantly what just came to mind right now is that it helps me make sense of why I fucking randomly start crying sometimes. And like, I watched a movie about John Lennon or whatever I don't remember which movie it was but it had his mom in it, having a bipolar episode and she did that same shit and the things she was expressing were the same thoughts I had in my head.
And I was like, "ay that's like me."
but then I was like, "hopefully I'm not bipolar tho like her cuz that would suck."
but like, I literally do that. I just randomly start crying and just get super sad sometimes over shit, and most people don't do that. Like, it's uncontrollable.
Or I would get really angry a lot, before I was put on Lexapro. I thought it was just because of trauma but, I was very "bothered." is how I put it, growing up in journals from when I was 14 and forward. I couldn't find another word to describe it. But, other people with cyclothymia report having issue with this, sort of anger, for no reason. Blowing their top, etc. Having extreme fits of rage as a child or in their relationships, or sometimes for no reason at all. Just being fucking angry. The lexapro has, calmed that down quite a lot but if I don't take my coo-coo meds, it could easily happen at any instance and I'll be raging at people and hating the fucking world so fucking much sometimes. And then other times it's the opposite, when I go off my meds and I'm more like what I describe below:
Other times I'd have like episodes of hyper racing thoughts with expansive ideas and hundreds of them all at once like, "I'M GONNA DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS, OH AND WRITE THIS THING DOWN AND WRITE THIS THING DOWN." and then my notes at the end of an episode like that looks utterly insane all the things I listed while I had this spurt of like, racing ideas all at once which I'm desperately trying to capture because I know they'll disappear soon and never come back. Especially if I get depressed they'll definitely be walled off or forgotten about.
I feel super opportunistic, optimistic, feel like I can do anything. But I know in the back of my mind, it won't last. I'm also a lot more sociable in random pockets. Like, I'm confident, happy, engaging, active. Not overly so but, just like, the people around me have a really good time because I'm just like cracking jokes and making so much great conversation. And I feel like, such an entertainer. Like, I could come up with limitless things to talk about. And I'm usually very funny during this time, and people are like you should do stand up wow.
And then I go depresso when I'm alone, and I've had this issue since I was young. Where I would be exuberant in public, enigmatic, almost the life of the party. And then I go home, and want to kill myself. And I knew, while I'm in this, charismatic state, that it won't last, and that I am more commonly than not very depressed. But I would hide that fact you know. So I went about life, hiding the depressed side as best as I could and, I guess it just all got out of hand as time went on, you know. Life happens and, secrets don't stay secrets but.
I still have a habit of, keeping it to myself as best I can which I know I SHOULDN'T do. But, whenever I'm "in it" or in a depressive episode, I just don't tell anyone about it idk, and it doesn't occur to me usually to reach out for help, or I don't think anything will help if I did? I just wait for it to pass.
Rarely I feel "stable and normal" but when it happens I'm like "oh shit, this is nice. This must be what other people feel like all the time."
But I'm usually, on my way into or out of a depressive episode, or in one. And then every now and then having pops of just random hypomania. And I'll just wake up this way or, whatever. Like, I've talked about it on here before even. How I was super suicidal for like three days and then all the sudden I woke up and it all went away. And I was like, "I'm not asking any questions, lets just hope it doesn't come back. thank GOD I'm feeling better because I couldn't handle that shit anymore. I was about to go to psych hospital again or something if it continued on like that. [referring to the depressive episode]."
it's not normal to just pop in and out of them like that. I just wake up and it hits me for no reason. which is why I recently journaled to myself asking the question, "what am I doing wrong here?" during the last depressive episode. Trying to understand, what I was missing that was still causing it to occur.
But yeah, the random crying thing makes sense now. Because I never could make sense of that particular thing. It was just uncontrollable. I'd be at a dinner party, or anywhere and just, have to leave the table because I'm falling apart at the seems. And this happens randomly and, I don't understand why but sometimes I'm just way more, sensitive. And it has no correlation to hormonal cycles either. It's very random. And I could be crying for no reason, or could be overly sad about things that, I have no control over. Like the fact that people were dying of the coronavirus in china. I randomly started crying about that over dinner once. Or another time, I cried because I felt like I wasn't a "good dog mom." which later I found to be ridiculous because, I'm insanely good dog mother. LOL I spoil the fuck out of him, he's very happy, healthy, etc. But still. In these states I am like, mortified and sobbing over some, vague small thing that at the time is like, I'm crying like someone just told me someone died or something lmfao.
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the mood disorder would also very blatantly explain the irate anger management and behavioral problems I exhibited as a teen. That my parents were deeply concerned by. I blamed it on trauma but, idk. It was probably actually a touch of insanity. Filming me just made it worse though, they showed it to a therapist and he just said I had ADD. Shame, he misdiagnosed.
I broke things, smashed things, ripped doors off its hinges or slammed a door so many times the Frame around it deteriorated and eventually the door did too into pieces. punched holes in doors, walls, broke windows. ripped clothing racks out of closets. I'd just throw things like books, my phone, computer. I'd just lose my shit sometimes and, yeah one time I broke an entire 90-120 pound futon made of solid wood (not flimsy wood or plywood) and broke it to pieces and screws outside. just like hulk smashing it into the ground over and over again. I think I was probably having a manic episode. LOL all that happened was my dad refused to help me move it when I begged him to help me because it was too heavy. and then yeah, suddenly it wasn't too heavy anymore I lifted the entire thing, and then took it outside to slam it into the ground repeatedly out of like, purely losing it. and just didn't stop. lol and yeah... um. so yeah there was a lot of irate anger that, was hard to explain. I know with depression people can get angry but like, I legit broke my own shit. I went through many doors. I pulled door knobs out of socket or slammed things so hard the fucking house would shake or like, I would bend the door past its hinges, or rip it straight off the wall with one hand.
I'm not normally this strong but, during this insane episodes I do things like that. since the meds tho, it's leveled me out.
but if I'm off the meds, yeah my behavior is more, unpredictable. lets put it that way LOL
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