As a kid, I was very emotionally sensitive and agreeable. Always trying to be pleasant and sweet and taking things deeply.
I grew up watching everyone around me not give a fuck about others feelings and brush things off easily and cope with hardships of life and envying them. Have no guilt about doing what serves them the best and not feeling obligated. I found myself doing things for people that hurt me just because I felt like I should take care of them due to some fucked up form of sympathy for them.
I held myself to higher behavior standards than I did others. I felt evil for not doing things for others or taking care of them as if it was my job to save and serve the world. It continues to this day with me giving people money and providing emotional support.
Whats even weird is that I was also very sadistic and destructive to them at times on purpose. Giving with one hand and harming with the other.
I hate being like this. I want to be able to do what I want and put myself first without having sympathy for the devil and feeling bad for not making people happy even when they are bad to me. I dont know what to do. I hate being weak and exploitable.
