420 friendly bruh
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Ę̵̚x̸͎̾i̴͚̽s̵̻͐t̷͐ͅe̷̯͠n̴̤̚t̵̻̅i̵͉̿a̴̮͊l̵͍̂ ̴̹̕D̵̤̀e̸͓͂t̵̢͂e̴͕̓c̸̗̄t̴̗̿ï̶̪v̷̲̍é̵͔
last edit on
2/24/2020 1:14:30 AM
I’ve been feeling sooooo fucking shitty all day idk why
and my boy East is getting me 5g for 40, some blunts and I’m gonna spark up. Really need to get a bong and I wanna start doing shatter instead.
Hopefully I will be happy and Stoney soon. And if not I always have benzos to come through. Idk what strain this is gonna be if it’s Indica (I hope it is) etc. but I do know that my boy always comes through and delivers only the best shit. He knows how I like it, he’s the same way haha like, I wanna get as stoned as possible from one hit you know like maximize it obviously
❤️ And yeah hopefully I feel better soon.
I can’t tell if I’m getting sick or if it’s just the fact I am depression-Ed a bit and uh, that’s manifesting physically plus also I haven’t eaten much all day and also haven’t Slept
idk. Idk what’s going on. I might forget to update this thread later or I would say I will update if I start feeling better? Idk lol
I just wanna get high and go to sleep
my , boo wants to come over too. Tonight and Netflix and she is bringing her dog?? So that’s chill I guess dogs always cheer me up idk
im trying to not be anti social and tell her to not come over but a part of me won’t be mad if she just flakes cuz I kinda just wanna be alone but
she’s chill so I’ll just tell her like I’m not feeling that great and I can’t push myself right now to pretend I’m fine so yes it will be apparent I’m not okay but it’s ok let’s just ignore that and I’ll just chill here on the couch and be chill and everything will be chill and we don’t hVs to talk about it ok? Ok. Thanks.
and yeah then bae wants to come over tomorrow, with my friend.
I just ordered some food.ontop of that I got candy. Munchies. Good shit. I got tumblr. I got art. I got movies. Everything will be fine.
420 friendly bruh
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I want that on a shirt like a patch
I’ve been “spiraling” a bit with the drugs and I worry I will continue downward but maybe not who knows
it’s just like it all depends on how I feel so like if I get really bad mentally I might need more drugs to cope
but I’ve been limiting myself to 1 klonopin a week .5g and then just like a blunt or two a day, maybe on the weekends if I’m partying with friends I end up smoking quite a lot more than that but
yeah I uh, I’m just having a hard time with depression and anxiety and like. Getting out of bed. Going to sleep. I feel so detached and numb, in the worst way. Like everyone is moving around and I’m just standing there perfectly still and staring into space. I don’t know what to call that but I’m so like, stuck. Like that. And it sucks, I feel empty and shit a lot I guess. Everything feels empty, I have no motivation to do anything I usually enjoy the fuck out of. I have no enthusiasm left in me I’m like a rolled over piece of fucking trash in the road. And I feel like it too lol. My body hurts. Head aches. Dizziness. Idk why. I start getting anxious from how suicidal I am, or just think about it sometimes (ideation), but know I can’t because there are people that would care. It’s like someone just blew all the air out of me like a deflated balloon and I can’t, get back up. And I just feel like all the time, if I’m not high. Ya know?
But if I’m high I can be happy and warm. It’s just worrying because obviously the habits already developed and, it feels like it’s getting out of control I’m already thinking about ya know, just doing benzos whenever I feel like it instead of restricting myself and like thinking to myself “who cares if you get withdrawals” and thinking about using heroin “just once” and “who cares if you have to go back to rehab later, it’s what you want now.”
And everything that normally mattered to me before, suddenly just fucking doesn’t anymore and it all feels hopeless. Like all the hopes I had for my future are dashed. Idk why, cuz that’s totally up to me but- because I feel so shit I just can’t imagine going forward and accomplishing anything like this. I can’t function, like this. So I might as well do the one thing that makes me feel better and get high- if I’m giving up on my future anyways might as well be high as fuck and just enjoy the ride right? No. But these are the thoughts that go through my mind as I have to tell myself no, don’t do that don’t let yourself go, get help, etc.
so yeah that’s just part of the mental health battle I’m dealing with um, I didn’t talk about the ptsd element to it because that “bad week with ptsd” already has passed and I’ve already journaled about it I think so no need to reiterate. But I think because of that bad week with anxiety and flashbacks and trauma shit just weighing on my mind it fucked me up and a bit and caused me to trip. Maybe. Maybe not.
it happened so fast I don’t even know what caused me to trip up it’s like one minute I was sober the next minute I’m high all the time and I don’t know what happened and this is just the only thing I can do to cope right now
The depression jut feels so out of control... I don’t know what to really do lol
but yeah um, also the benzos make me depressed when I’m coming off them like the next day I’m more depressed than usual which is rough but yeah that’s why I can only take them if I’m having a legit bad fucking panic attack cuz the consequences for me like it increases my depression x100 just from taking it one time for the whole next day. Then after that I bounce back.
probably cuz I’m also on lexapro regulating everything but yeah
when I was taking benzos like just popping em whenever and had a “habit” when I finally quit and went through withdrawals it was the deepest psychological hell I’ve ever seen or felt in regards to depression. The coldest and darkest place I’ve ever fucking seen was quitting benzos and I was intensely suicidal during that too. It’s just, the withdrawals from this drug are intense psychologically for some people.
not all, but some.
my boy East said he had the same experience. He said he had psychotic depression at one point and also had ptsd idk I think people with psychotic features or suicidal ideation / major depression don’t react well to benzos psychologically
other anti-anxieties have affected me and him strangely as well. A whole list.
where as other people have great experiences on them so yeah... it’s like the drugs don’t work for us properly.
same with my lexapro, it’s supposed to give people energy and motivation but for me it does the opposite and makes me lethargic and dead inside
