my looks, my health, my ability to dominate and control and be "right", all of that i just don't care about anymore
the destructive suicidal half of me ive had since age 14 is finally winning and getting what it wants
I've had it probably since birth but it made itself known very apparently at 14. until then my lighter side and optimism was more in control helping me ignore it
because the effort of verifying that 100%, every single time I eat meat is not worth it to me if I can instead test out staying healthy while also being vegan
They post if they were treated well on the packaging usually as a bragging right, and you can verify online if they match their claims.
It'd be all of one or two trips to the store alongside a little internet research. You could even use your phone while in the store to be sure all in one place.
...either that or you can eat real food from a Farmer's Market, one where you can actually see the farm yourself if you so desire, one where the food doesn't have a bunch of nasty filler, concentrates, preservatives, and isn't aged to a half-stale/rotten state while being peddled as "food".
My suicidal destructive side has taken over so I don't care about my health anymore truly, but im trying to
What has you trying to care about your health then?
the first time I tried LSD, when i was 19, and saw myself from an outside perspective is when I truly realized how suicidal and destructive I was on the inside, I saw and felt it as this big black void and I started crying hysterically and told my aquaintence I was with that I was suicidal, and he then proceeded to basically rape me lol, like strongly manipulate me into letting him fuck me and I finally gave in so ya
A lot of my trip was enjoyable but that part sucked. I didnt mind being raped too much but the realization of this huge suicidal destructive force in me that I felt had much more control over me than I did was terrifying and so sad to really face it head on and see it for what it was and that it was going to win
my looks, my health, my ability to dominate and control and be "right", all of that i just don't care about anymore
I could see why you'd claim all of these except "being right".
It seems as if trying to "be right" has been a core motivation for most of what you've found yourself doing.
the destructive suicidal half of me ive had since age 14 is finally winning and getting what it wants
I've had it probably since birth but it made itself known very apparently at 14. until then my lighter side and optimism was more in control helping me ignore it
Life is toil and pain, and everyone is experiencing it in some form. To not experience it is to be blind or otherwise distorted towards it, and remaining stupid is one of the easiest ways to ignore the pain.
"Fun" and "Dumb" tend to be linked for a reason. Much of life follows parallels to The Dunning Kruger Effect from knowledge, experience, and understanding having weight to carry. It leaves those with intelligence burdened with it's weight while those who lack it seem free, unburdened.
Perhaps the key is to learn how to unlearn.
my looks, my health, my ability to dominate and control and be "right", all of that i just don't care about anymore
I could see why you'd claim all of these except "being right".
It seems as if trying to "be right" has been a core motivation for most of what you've found yourself doing.the destructive suicidal half of me ive had since age 14 is finally winning and getting what it wants
I've had it probably since birth but it made itself known very apparently at 14. until then my lighter side and optimism was more in control helping me ignore it
Life is toil and pain, and everyone is experiencing it in some form. To not experience it is to be blind or otherwise distorted towards it, and remaining stupid is one of the easiest ways to ignore the pain.
"Fun" and "Dumb" tend to be linked for a reason. Much of life follows parallels to The Dunning Kruger Effect from knowledge, experience, and understanding having weight to carry. It leaves those with intelligence burdened with it's weight while those who lack it seem free, unburdened.
Perhaps the key is to learn how to unlearn.
what do you mean by unlearn? and i guess as far as being right goes I have stopped caring if others agree that I'm right or not, where as before I needed it
the first time I tried LSD, when i was 19, and saw myself from an outside perspective is when I truly realized how suicidal and destructive I was on the inside
Does what you see on LSD have legitimacy though? To give you an idea to use as a comparison, part of why I liked LSD was over how it helped me feel lighter and more feminine.
I've tripped while cross-dressing and doing makeup, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm an AMAB, but rather it showed me where my head was at at the time.
It may be less of an overall character trait and more so closer to where your head was at the time, but the shock of it could have imprinted onto you to the point of identifying with and furthering those behaviors.
I saw and felt it as this big black void and I started crying hysterically and told my aquaintence I was with that I was suicidal
I've also tripped the void.
Out of body, everything zoomed out until everything we take for granted was but a flawed spec in a sea of darkness. After a good, emptied dose of that I was forced to return to my physical form and reflect on how much of life is struggle, how it weighs down on your individual muscles as a burdensome experience that ultimately is just a meaningless spec within a sea of nothingness.
Scale meant nothing for around two weeks, and trying to relate to people was a bit harder to do from seeing them as nonautonomous and unimportant.
The "Truth" of "The Void" is a lot to take in. We by nature are somewhat Solipsist, and realizing that we aren't the center of everything from the looks of it isn't healthy for the psyche.
and he then proceeded to basically rape me lol, like strongly manipulate me into letting him fuck me and I finally gave in so ya
A lot of my trip was enjoyable but that part sucked. I didnt mind being raped too much but the realization of this huge suicidal destructive force in me that I felt had much more control over me than I did was terrifying and so sad to really face it head on and see it for what it was and that it was going to win
What happened here? You've alluded to this sort of stuff on and off before.
my looks, my health, my ability to dominate and control and be "right", all of that i just don't care about anymore
I could see why you'd claim all of these except "being right".
It seems as if trying to "be right" has been a core motivation for most of what you've found yourself doing.the destructive suicidal half of me ive had since age 14 is finally winning and getting what it wants
I've had it probably since birth but it made itself known very apparently at 14. until then my lighter side and optimism was more in control helping me ignore it
Life is toil and pain, and everyone is experiencing it in some form. To not experience it is to be blind or otherwise distorted towards it, and remaining stupid is one of the easiest ways to ignore the pain.
"Fun" and "Dumb" tend to be linked for a reason. Much of life follows parallels to The Dunning Kruger Effect from knowledge, experience, and understanding having weight to carry. It leaves those with intelligence burdened with it's weight while those who lack it seem free, unburdened.
Perhaps the key is to learn how to unlearn.what do you mean by unlearn? and i guess as far as being right goes I have stopped caring if others agree that I'm right or not, where as before I needed it
If ignorance is happiness, how does one let go of what one's learned? What's the path back to square one, towards the bone dry emptied cup?
If unlearning could be learned instead of simply happening on it's own, then maybe the mind wouldn't seem so heavy.
now I am more tolerant of everyone else thinking whatever they want, and don't even feel like explaining myself much anymore unless I think it will truly benefit the other person. sometimes I still do but def not as much as in the past
Are you tolerant of you thinking as you wouldn't want to though?
the first time I tried LSD, when i was 19, and saw myself from an outside perspective is when I truly realized how suicidal and destructive I was on the inside
Does what you see on LSD have legitimacy though? To give you an idea to use as a comparison, part of why I liked LSD was over how it helped me feel lighter and more feminine.
I've tripped while cross-dressing and doing makeup, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm an AMAB, but rather it showed me where my head was at at the time.
It may be less of an overall character trait and more so closer to where your head was at the time, but the shock of it could have imprinted onto you to the point of identifying with and furthering those behaviors.I saw and felt it as this big black void and I started crying hysterically and told my aquaintence I was with that I was suicidal
I've also tripped the void.
Out of body, everything zoomed out until everything we take for granted was but a flawed spec in a sea of darkness. After a good, emptied dose of that I was forced to return to my physical form and reflect on how much of life is struggle, how it weighs down on your individual muscles as a burdensome experience that ultimately is just a meaningless spec within a sea of nothingness.
Scale meant nothing for around two weeks, and trying to relate to people was a bit harder to do from seeing them as nonautonomous and unimportant.
The "Truth" of "The Void" is a lot to take in. We by nature are somewhat Solipsist, and realizing that we aren't the center of everything from the looks of it isn't healthy for the psyche.and he then proceeded to basically rape me lol, like strongly manipulate me into letting him fuck me and I finally gave in so ya
A lot of my trip was enjoyable but that part sucked. I didnt mind being raped too much but the realization of this huge suicidal destructive force in me that I felt had much more control over me than I did was terrifying and so sad to really face it head on and see it for what it was and that it was going to winWhat happened here? You've alluded to this sort of stuff on and off before.
Ive been attempted raped a few times but manipulated my way out of it, but with this guy he gave me free lsd and i was temporarily staying at his house and i felt like i owed him as much sex as he wanted even tho i definitely was not in the mood to have sex while i was crying and feeling terrified and deeply depressed and hopeless about how suicidal and destructive i was inside lol
