My dad was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when he was 19 years old and, since he refused treatment or therapy of any kind, it’s affected him all his life pretty much.
fun fact: BPD can be passed down generationally. Not insinuating it’s genetic, but, rather it’s developmental and so, having a parent with BPD significantly increases your likelihood of having it yourself.
I’ve basically ‘grown up’ around this disorder so, I’ve lived it you know, as an outsider experiencing it up close.
And I recognize some of those behaviors my dad exhibits, in you. And in aubrieta as well. Both of you claim to have it and I do believe you...
There is this inability to get really close to anyone. There is, splitting or- dr. Jeckl and mr. Hyde sort of thing going on. With my dad unfortunately it’s like, one moment he’s Ghandi- the next moment, The Godfather. There is a lack of trust in oneself, and a lot of mental “discord” between your thoughts, like, you’re having a constant conversation in your head that is so conflicting you can make sense of it, really. It’s like an inescapable, debilitating tornado of thoughts- that results in distinct “nurturing/coping” behaviors, that can even be sort of like a child sucking their thumb. Like, coaxing and coddling oneself to be more comfortable- whatever that comfort mechanism is.
There is a, detachment from emotion in the sense that he thinks he doesn’t care- or doesn’t feel it. But in reality it’s just being suppressed in a way- and coming out in other ways. Like, oh i feel nothing- suddenly I feel everything. The detachment or fear of attachment, fear or not being “right” or good enough, results in a retraction of ones self mentally and emotionally, or even physically from their own lives. My dad isn’t “present” even if he is in the room, he isn’t listening if I’m talking, he isn’t processing it. He’s so lost in his own thoughts.
One day, I’m high, one day I’m low. One day I’m over here, mentally, the next day I’m allllllll the way over here mentally and emotionally. And it’s on more extreme ends of the spectrum, and some times can get out of hand for the individual or the people around them. I guess you can call that mood swinging.
There is also black and white thinking like, just the opinions they hold about the world can be really distinct and unique from how most people think and kind of odd. Like, they come to false conclusions or strange assumptions and beliefs from broken lines of logic and irrational, shit ties into it. And it results in like, extreme beliefs about the world and ones self that aren’t even, close to true but, for that person who believes it, it is gospel.
And everyone else who doesn’t think the way you do, about your opinions and beliefs, and who doesn’t agree with you- is just wrong. Sometimes people who aren’t even saying or doing much of anything wrong, to you- are doing everything wrong- because sometimes people with BPD or various personality disorders want the world to adhere to their standard and their practices and their ways, their beliefs. And it’s, my way or the high way and no other wayyy. No other way. It just can’t be, any other way.
Even if it makes, no, sense.
